The Strange Story of John Osborne, the Wireless & Quite a Long Day

Made the mistake of leaving the wireless on all day.

I weaned myself off FiveLive some weeks ago by reducing background noise altogether, and by trying to read the book the wife bought me last Xmas.
My alarm on my phone (I know! It's got a camera too!) reminded me that I needed to tune into Radio4, as my friend John Osborne (no 'U') was prattling on about music, girls and sheds again.
The subsequent programmes held little of interest until 'All In The Mind' around mid-afternoon.
The presenters were examining stress-levels and were asking listeners to take part in an online stress test.
I'd chopped logs, fed the cats, and been as witty as I could on Facebook (not Twitter - I'm not witty enough for Twitter), so I thought what the hell?

After about twenty minutes I received my results, and it turns out I'm borderline psychotic!
The beeb's analysts have urged me to seek medical help as soon as possible, and to contact a relative or friend with my news, in order to ensure assistance.

They didn't give any indication as to who would put my bins out, or who would draw my wife's bath?
Amateurs probably.

I've switched the wireless off now.
No good will come of all this modern technology.

THE RETURN OF THE TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS (w/e 18-12-11)

WORLD OF CARPETS : Carpets - Southend United


MICHAEL SPIERS : Exclusive Jewellery - Plymouth Argyle

Mr. CROPPER : Hydraulic Concrete Pile Breakers - Burton Albion

Campaign Update (Focus DIY)

More importantly, the retail behemoth that is Focus DIY, is no more.
Hopefully this will bring much needed business to the paint-sellers, nail-floggers, plant-punters and padlock-dealers of Olde Beccles Town;
but I fear the new Poundland may absorb some of that trade.
(6-7-2011)

The Poundland I referred to above, was in fact a 'Pound Stretcher'.
Along with QD, Gary's Discounts and the multitude of charity shops, it's hoped that no one will have to pay through the nose this Xmas.
Not in Beccles.

We do still however need somewhere for the kids to go when the lido is closed.
Our hope that the massive warehouse vacated by Focus DIY would be turned into an Open Venue, or youth club, or sports hall, or skate-park or gym, has been dashed, only a fortnight away from Xmas week.

I'm not sure what our new retailer is actually called, but it has a gaudy fascia that highlights the words FAMILY, DISCOUNTS, BARGAINS, and it appears to have a glut of plastic exclamation marks!!!!!!!!

The kids may be roaming the streets this festive period, but no one will have to pay for anything through the nose.
Not in Beccles.

Merry Costa everybody..........

THE RETURN OF THE TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS

I've been asked by an online publication to re-start TTTNPAH.

They thought there was 'mileage' in another season.

They asked if I could explain why I thought certain advertising hoardings were humorous, or of note?

I told them to fuck off.




TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS (w/e 4-12-11)


John Hill Associates: Architectural & Surveying Consultants. 01302 35565 - DONCASTER ROVERS

John Brocklesby Metal Management Ltd: "For all your scrap metal needs" - HULL CITY

Dave Ridge & Sons: Pebble dashing - CRYSTAL PALACE

Campaign Update (Merry Costa)

To be fair to Beccles Tesco (and I'm not fair that often), taking delivery of Xmas stock in Autumn, and placing it directly onto the shelves, that are taking brief respite from barbecue charcoals and citronella tea-lights, is a space & labour-saving device, that the public, rightly or wrongly, see as a piece of cynical capitalism.

Costa Coffee however, do not have this excuse.

Whereas Tesco is still punting pumpkins and fireworks, with not a Xmas decoration in sight, Costa Coffee has festooned it's windows with the most garish, unattractive, badly fonted posters, wishing everyone who can read, a 'Merry Costa'.

What does it even mean?!

A Merry fuckin' Costa?
It's not even a crappy seasonal period!
It's a brand name.
For a coffee-shop.
When did buying an overpriced cup of java ever have anything to do with Xmas?

What next, a Merry Costa and a Happy New Starbucks?
Ding dong merrily on high, in Devon the tills are ringing?
Costa time, mistletoe & caffeine, children singing Christian rapping?
(I'm angry and I didn't really give these my best shot - your suggestions please?)

And why now?
It's November 2nd ffs!

No.
We've managed to get rid of Julian Assange, Focus DIY and Woolies.
We've stalled Wetherspoons.
It's time to rid our town of this obnoxious chain of space-hogging, money-grabbing, sanitised nonsense, and embrace the twelve or so independent coffee shops that we already have.

If you want a skinny latte' ask Elsie for less milk.
If you want a cappucino ask Doris for a sprinkle of cocoa.
If you want the world to disappear up its own arse, ask Santa for a Merry Costa.
(You never know, you might get it in a proper cup)

JULIAN ASSANGE WANTS TO SCREAM "I'M FREE"

A man who struggles to understand when 'No' means 'No'.
Let's look at the facts;

Visits police station in stockinged feet, even in winter

Knowingly breaks his curfew to watch Titti T Rash.

Doesn't know who Ricky Ponting is.

Illegally films inside Beccles Police Station, outside of curfew.

Sanctions his autobiography, then denies its validity.

Actually isn't 'that bloke from Wikipedia' at all.

Prefers Waveney Valley in a tag, than Sweden without.

Cannot maintain a sensible haircut.

Didn't follow the Ashes, but happily redacted cables about boring stuff.

Thinks extradition should be requested by defence, rather than prosecution.

Has been told 'No' twice now, and still appeals, wasting valuable court time, and losing credibility in doing so.

Looks suspiciously like John Inman.

If you didn't do it Julian, go face the music.
The Swedes are lovely.

Justice will prevail, you know that.........

IS JULIAN ASSANGE THE NEW MESSIAH?

And on the seventh day, although He should've been resting, God put a large patch over the still smouldering blimburn, somewhere near Papua New Guinea.
And He put a few Adams, a few Eves, dingoes and a tiger or two therein.
He then added eucalyptus trees and wattle, marsupials, crocodiles and columbine-tantalite, in case Adam or Eve were ever in need of a mobile telecommunication vessel.
But he did not foresee the coming of Adam's naughty forebears, who brought rabbits, foxes, camels and brumbies, Catholicism and a desire for diets containing high levels of sugar.

And though the cane was for the beetle alone, the forebears laid claim, and introduced toads that would save their precious crop.
But the toads took to emulating the promiscuous behaviour of the rabbits, instead of eating the beetles, and you can probably guess what happened next?
And so Adam's forebear tried to harness the brumby. And when he found he could not, he developed an equine contraceptive that he exported all around the globe, along with wine, ocker-blokes and Dannii Minogue.
And then, just when it was all getting a bit too much, He sent His son Julian into the world, to sort things out a bit. He also gave him a real mum, that took him into hiding, and as Angel Gabriel was a bit busy, he gave him the protection of a Guardian. But Julian was arrested by the authorities, and as a cock crowed 'Aussie' three times, when asked who Ricky Ponting was, Julian denied all knowledge of him.
And then he sort of wrote an autobiography, and then changed his mind about it later.