BRING BACK MARY WHITEHOUSE (Alys Fowler - Again!)

I am more than happy that provenance of food, and 'growing-your-own' has become another consumer-friendly pursuit of the middle classes as of late, but I am beginning to realise that other, less scrupulous horticulturalists are embracing these new technologies for illegal purposes; namely, the production of illegal Class A & B drugs.

I have mentioned in my other blog "Yanny Mac - Dwile Flonker" how easy it is to inadvertently procure illegal substances, particularly if one 'hangs out' with the right people
(see Allotment Alan's adventures at http://yannymac-dwileflonker.blogspot.com/2012/02/we-are-nothing-without-our-banks.html ).
I have also railed against the use of suggestive, highly-sexualised and profane language by the economy fish-finger, ex TV presenter, and now wannabe-journalist, Alys Fowler.

But this week she has gone too far.
In the Guardian Weekend supplement, of all places.

It would appear that her father introduced her to smack at an early age.
He told her how to access opium from poppies, and then regaled her with stories about 'chasing the dragon'.
Fowler herself goes on to describe how she 'is addicted to opium'.
And how it has become an obsession, and how she often tries to grow {poppies out of a} crack.

It's this sort of mindless, flippant, provocative writing that encourages our children to listen to the Devil's music, and subsequently sniff hair gel; ultimately leading to a life on benefit culture, addicted to soap, fast food takeaways and mind bending substance abusiveness.

I say it's time to regulate the musings of the liberal left media.

I say "Bring back Mary Whitehouse".

BRING BACK MARY WHITEHOUSE (Alys Fowler)

The little economy fish-finger is up to her old tricks again.

I've written about the green-digit goblin in the past.
She has form when it comes to the sexualisation of our multi media world.
I don't mind Carol Klein or Monty Don getting a little jiggy in the strawberry patch, IF (and only IF) it serves a purpose, and does not refer to genitalia or readers' wives.

But Fowler has gone too far this weekend.
Yet again.

She starts her Guardian Weekend supplement piece by informing us that she pops off to the shed to look at her secret stash of 'Garden Porn'.
Apparently she gets off at looking at pics of bushes in full bloom.
Now, I'm all for a hirsute leylandi, but I don't think this warrants being referred to as 'porn'.
Editorial work immediately goes online these days, so imagine the horror of a part-time gardener entering (and I use that word carefully) search terms into his or her Google, and coming up with an article about pornography.

Amateur + Gardener + Tool + Muck + Redhead + Snow + Muff = moral minefield.

Fowler goes on to say she wishes she didn't have to resort to 'Garden Porn' because she prefers the real thing.
I would go on to say that the 'real thing' is probably indoors, in the warm, waiting for her to stop going blind in the potting-shed.

I would further go on to say "Bring Back Mary Whitehouse".
I've had just about enough of this commodification of Mother Nature, and her feminine wiles.

YANNY MAC'S TEN-MINUTE SUPPERS

Having just read the Literary Review of the Year, and noted the huge absence of poetry anthologies & blogs from the overall Top 100 publications, I've decided that to make this writing lark more profitable, I'm going to get into recipe books.

This is my first recipe from my forthcoming collection Yanny Mac's Ten Minute Suppers.

FRIED EGG SARNIE

I always use the freshest eggs I can find, preferably from a hen, but I like to experiment as well.
(Check the little stickers on the front of the box - the later the Use By date, the fresher the egg).
My old housemate Joel used to fry his eggs in olive oil.
Although this is proper posh, I tend to bung mine in hot vegetable oil, and IMHO, I think they taste well nice.
The olive oil can sometimes make stuff taste a bit foreign, but a lot of people like that.

For the bread, always use fresh.
If you can't get a bloomer from Greggs, get the best sliced stuff from Tesco.
DON'T GO FOR VALUE BREAD.
It's full of chemicals that might one day kill you.

Real butter is hard to find these days, but if you can get Vitalite or Flora this will go a long way.
If you can't get a spread, try mayonnaise or tommy ketchup.

When your egg is properly fried (I like mine well done - the wife likes salmonella with hers) stick it in between the bread slices and bosh!

Voila!
An egg sarnie to take away the winter blues, and put a spring in your step.


Ingredients:
Eggs
Bread
Butter (optional)
Oil (for cooking)

**For a little something different, try some ground white pepper & table salt for an extra kick.

BRING BACK MARY WHITEHOUSE (Gardeners World)

Great to see hot-walnut Monty Don back on our screens on Friday, instead of that smug git Toby Buckland.

The Don gently forced rhubarb for our viewing pleasure, whilst new girl WhatsHerFace helped prune Helen's clematis.

But what's with the overhaul BBC?

Where's economy fish-finger Alys Fowler?

And what's wrong with Carol Klein's shrubbery?

I'm not sure Gardener's World is ready for a sex-up yet.

Save it for World Naked Gardening Day on May 14th. (wndg.org)