YANNY MAC'S TEN MINUTE FOOTBALL MANAGEMENT CAREER

I'm often asked by desperate people in these austere times, who I think should manage England?
And my reply is always "Kevin Keegan".

With the average weekly wage for a Premiership football player at around £30k + bonuses, it's easy to see why so many of them opt for a career in management, in order to provide at least one meal a day for their families.
In terms of revenue, the Premiership brings little to 'the economy'.
It's financial impact is akin to one of a small supermarket chain like Fine Fare or Gateways.

It's therefore essential that everyone in the UK (including immigrants and foreigny-looking students) get behind our national sport, and support at least two or three top flight teams.
Season tickets can be had for as little as £900;
but if the thought of hanging out with your boss or your local MP doesn't thrill you, a Sky TV package can be had for just a little bit more.
Replica shirts are essential at a little over £50, so it's easy to see why undergraduates would rather get a job than waste their valuable cash on tuition fees.
(More about getting a Ten Minute Job next month).

Bob Shankly once said that football was about believing in life after death, and as a neo-socialist like me, I think he deserves more praise than he gets.
We can't all be Antony Worrall Thompson, so here is my recipe for a short career in football management.

I call this quick-fix special 'Get Your Benefits Out For The Moyes'.


1. Don't let the poor salaries put you off.
Australians eat fruit and salary more than SEVEN times a day, and they are all rich, and very beautiful.
(see Tim Cahill).

2. Try to have a continental sounding name.
Ancelloti, Mourinho, Plopp and Salami are all very exotic, and make you sound a lot posher than you really are.
(David and Ron are quite boring).

3. Add lots of ginger, some oak-aged Fellaini and lashings of Irn Bru.

4. Wear shoes that don't fit you.
Simmer gently.

5. Serve, way above your means, but way below your potential.

Ingredients:

Multi-Billion Dollar US Holding Corporation (essential in 'Soccer' recipes!)
Russian Oligarchs
Media Moguls
Sheep (lots of)
Under-ripe management skills (optional)
Over-ripe players (optional)
A huge dollop of arrogance to serve.

IS ZAYN MALIK THE NEW ASSANGE?

Has anyone else noticed that Zayn Malik (One Direction) and Art Malik (Upstairs Downstairs/Holby City) have never been seen on stage, or in a movie, together at the same time?
Although I can't suggest they are one & the same person (there is a slight age difference) is it possible that they are closely related, and have been part of a long-standing family feud?
The fact they have the same surname would seem to support this.

The important question is; can we really trust Zayn Malik?

I'll leave that one up to you.

A NAKED LUCY WORSLEY

No greeting cards or service-station flowers
No candlelight or making love for hours
No forced gestures or pink confectionery
Just some tissues, closed curtains
And a naked Lucy Worsley.

MENSWEAR La La La.

It's hard to believe that no-one is really into Menswear anymore.
Everyone loved Menswear in 1995.
If you Google 'Menswear' now, the band isn't even mentioned until the 25th entry.

I was into Gene and Marion in 1995.
I had Menswear's album, but I preferred the Morrissey-like dulcet tones of Martin Rossiter, and the Johnny Marr-infused rock of Macclesfield's finest.
It's hard to believe that no-one is really into Marion or Gene anymore.

My girlfriend at the time was into Candyskins.
The two Cope lads' dad was Kenneth Cope from 'Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased)', 'Corrie', 'Brookside' and both 'Carry On Matron' & 'Carry On At Your Convenience'.
I went to see Candyskins at The Water Rats in London, and stood next to the bloke from The Fast Show.
It's hard to believe that no-one is really into Candyskins anymore.

Menswear went on to have 5 hit singles including 'Sleeping In', 'Daydreamer' and 'Being Brave'.
Their single 'Stardust' appeared on 'Shine 3', a various artists' showcase of Britpop talent, featuring singles by Marion, Gene, Cast and Echobelly.
The Boo Radleys were also on 'Shine 3'.
It's hard to believe that no-one is really into Cast or Echobelly anymore.

Candyskins didn't feature until 'Shine 8', the fourth of the double Shine albums, that included Bennet, Whitetown, Monaco and Sleeper.
Whitetown was from Norwich.
I met him a few times.
I also met Louise Wener from Sleeper at the first ever Port Eliot Festival.
She writes books now.
It's hard to believe that no-one is really into Bennet, Whitetown, Monaco or Sleeper anymore.

After 'Shine 10' there was a Best of Shine album released in 1996.
It pretty much featured everyone mentioned above, except Marion, Gene, Candyskins, Sleeper, Echobelly and rather surprisingly Menswear.
Luckily new bands like Seahorses, Embrace, Mansun & Republica had come along to replace the ageing Britpop originals.
It's hard to believe that no-one is really into Seahorses, Mansun or Republica anymore.

YANNY MAC'S TEN-MINUTE SUPPERS

Having just read the Literary Review of the Year, and noted the huge absence of poetry anthologies & blogs from the overall Top 100 publications, I've decided that to make this writing lark more profitable, I'm going to get into recipe books.

This is my first recipe from my forthcoming collection Yanny Mac's Ten Minute Suppers.

FRIED EGG SARNIE

I always use the freshest eggs I can find, preferably from a hen, but I like to experiment as well.
(Check the little stickers on the front of the box - the later the Use By date, the fresher the egg).
My old housemate Joel used to fry his eggs in olive oil.
Although this is proper posh, I tend to bung mine in hot vegetable oil, and IMHO, I think they taste well nice.
The olive oil can sometimes make stuff taste a bit foreign, but a lot of people like that.

For the bread, always use fresh.
If you can't get a bloomer from Greggs, get the best sliced stuff from Tesco.
DON'T GO FOR VALUE BREAD.
It's full of chemicals that might one day kill you.

Real butter is hard to find these days, but if you can get Vitalite or Flora this will go a long way.
If you can't get a spread, try mayonnaise or tommy ketchup.

When your egg is properly fried (I like mine well done - the wife likes salmonella with hers) stick it in between the bread slices and bosh!

Voila!
An egg sarnie to take away the winter blues, and put a spring in your step.


Ingredients:
Eggs
Bread
Butter (optional)
Oil (for cooking)

**For a little something different, try some ground white pepper & table salt for an extra kick.

IS NATHAN SYKES THE 'NEW' JULIAN ASSANGE?

Has anyone else noticed that Nathan Sykes (The Wanted) and Eric Sykes (Harry Potter) have never been seen on stage, or in a movie, together at the same time?
Although I can't suggest they are one & the same person (there is a slight age difference) it is possible they are closely related, and have been part of a long-standing family feud.
The fact they have the same surname would seem to support this.

The important question is; can we really trust Nathan Sykes?

I'll leave that one up to you.

The Incredible Story of The Fat Controller & Julian Assange's Penis

*Apologies*
I should've alerted you to the fact that this is a continuing 'Campaign Update'.

Tesco have finally removed the incredibly annoying Noddy Car from outside of their store.
Instead of "Come & play with me in Toyland' repeated over and over again, by a man who sounds suspiciously like Joe Pasquale, we now have the dulcet tones of Ringo Starr as the Fat Controller from Thomas the Tank Engine.

Julian Assange has not been seen in Ellingham or Beccles for over 48hrs now.
Knowing him, he's probably on some escapade in that London, chasing skirt and following his penis!
That lad will get himself in trouble one day. you mark my words.

Campaign Update (Matches on the Common)

The recent spell of dry & windy weather has left Beccles Common parched, but it would appear that it has nothing to do with God, Julian Assange or Wetherspoons.

Many years ago, some 'bright spark' decided to plant the far-from-native poplar tree on the common, with the intention of selling the wood to the lucrative matchstick industry.
Then along came '5 for a Pound' lighters, Gary's Discounts, Julian Assange and Greggs, and hey presto! We didn't really need to have done that after all.

It's estimated a poplar tree can take up to 50 GALLONS of water, every day!

I say "chop down the trees!" and encourage something more indigenous, and in line with the common's best interest.
And we must do this before Wetherspoons or Greggs espy the vacant space, or before Assange introduces cane-toads.

Campaign Update (Focus DIY)

WE DID IT!
We're hoping to convert the warehouse in Beccles into a climbing gym & 5-a-side pitch now.
(Failing that, we'll take a Homebase)

*Julian Assange is currently appearing at Brighton Festival alongside Carol Ann Duffy & Aung San Suu Kyi

Campaign Update (The mysterious reappearance of Julian Assange,butter & nipples)

Julian Assange was seen by my neighbour, signing his tag-thing, yesterday morning in Beccles Police Station.

He was accompanied by a cameraman, who he referred to as 'one of his own'.

They took shots of him entering the police station, and different angle shots of him signing the register.

Assange's original bail conditions (that were made public) required him to attend between 2pm and 5pm in the afternoon.

All press were advised that there was to be NO FILMING or PHOTOGRAPHY inside the station.

Is Julian Assange still on bail, or is he putting the final touches to his forthcoming film?

If he is required to meet bail guidelines, why is he deliberately flouting them?

We say "Oi Oi Oi Jules. What's going on?"

In other news, Tesco Beccles have re-stocked Country Life butter, but it would appear at the expense of Ecovert washing-up liquid.

A customer comment form has been submitted.

And in rather sad news, the media attention given to the increases of breast & skin cancer in women under 30, appears not to have been heeded by the bright young ladies of Suffolk.

Following two days of warm sunshine, nearly every girl in this small town literally had their tits out today.

I thought I saw melanoma at one point;

I can only hope it was nipple.

Take care of your bodies girls, and cover up when you can.

Campaign Update (Beccles & Bungay)

In the week we appear to have lost Julian Assange for good, along with Bungay Library, the second of our three independent book-shops has announced that it is closing down.

Greggs will now open on Sundays, so lunchtimes will be much nicer, way up until the new Wetherspoon's gets going.

The dry-cleaners (Beccles' only dry-cleaners) has now become a high-street name bookies, and our lido appears now to have corporate sponsorship from British Gas.

The proposed re-opening for the Slug & Pellet (Suffolk's Smallest Cider-Shed) has been put back to May 2011, due to refurbishment problems, and rats.

Campaign Update (Au revoir Assange)

Now that we have managed to extradite Julian Assange to that London for a few days, local retailers are looking forward to returning to normal.

Half-day closing will resume on Wednesday, and several of us can go back to trolley-shopping, in the knowledge that we won't have to run a gauntlet of European & US journalists, on our way back home.

Take your time Julian.

Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!

My campaign to stop Wetherspoon's opening in Beccles, has gone from strength-to-strength this month. All four town-centre pubs have signed-up anonymously, and a man who lives in Chipping Ongar, but regularly visits Beccles Cemetery, also expressed 'serious dissatisfaction'. Our queueing campaign "Get A Grip Greggs", to alleviate bread & cake queue-jumping, in order to secure warm lunchtime snacks, took a knock back this week. A spokesperson for Greggs called Janice said "We can't be responsible for customer disputes at busy lunchtime periods. We hent social-workers". We are still waiting on a reply from Beccles Outdoor Lido with respect to the ice-rink idea. New Look & QD are still refusing to shut half-day on Wednesdays. Keep fighting the fight.......