YANNY MAC'S TEN MINUTE FOOTBALL MANAGEMENT CAREER

I'm often asked by desperate people in these austere times, who I think should manage England?
And my reply is always "Kevin Keegan".

With the average weekly wage for a Premiership football player at around £30k + bonuses, it's easy to see why so many of them opt for a career in management, in order to provide at least one meal a day for their families.
In terms of revenue, the Premiership brings little to 'the economy'.
It's financial impact is akin to one of a small supermarket chain like Fine Fare or Gateways.

It's therefore essential that everyone in the UK (including immigrants and foreigny-looking students) get behind our national sport, and support at least two or three top flight teams.
Season tickets can be had for as little as £900;
but if the thought of hanging out with your boss or your local MP doesn't thrill you, a Sky TV package can be had for just a little bit more.
Replica shirts are essential at a little over £50, so it's easy to see why undergraduates would rather get a job than waste their valuable cash on tuition fees.
(More about getting a Ten Minute Job next month).

Bob Shankly once said that football was about believing in life after death, and as a neo-socialist like me, I think he deserves more praise than he gets.
We can't all be Antony Worrall Thompson, so here is my recipe for a short career in football management.

I call this quick-fix special 'Get Your Benefits Out For The Moyes'.


1. Don't let the poor salaries put you off.
Australians eat fruit and salary more than SEVEN times a day, and they are all rich, and very beautiful.
(see Tim Cahill).

2. Try to have a continental sounding name.
Ancelloti, Mourinho, Plopp and Salami are all very exotic, and make you sound a lot posher than you really are.
(David and Ron are quite boring).

3. Add lots of ginger, some oak-aged Fellaini and lashings of Irn Bru.

4. Wear shoes that don't fit you.
Simmer gently.

5. Serve, way above your means, but way below your potential.

Ingredients:

Multi-Billion Dollar US Holding Corporation (essential in 'Soccer' recipes!)
Russian Oligarchs
Media Moguls
Sheep (lots of)
Under-ripe management skills (optional)
Over-ripe players (optional)
A huge dollop of arrogance to serve.

MENSWEAR La La La.

It's hard to believe that no-one is really into Menswear anymore.
Everyone loved Menswear in 1995.
If you Google 'Menswear' now, the band isn't even mentioned until the 25th entry.

I was into Gene and Marion in 1995.
I had Menswear's album, but I preferred the Morrissey-like dulcet tones of Martin Rossiter, and the Johnny Marr-infused rock of Macclesfield's finest.
It's hard to believe that no-one is really into Marion or Gene anymore.

My girlfriend at the time was into Candyskins.
The two Cope lads' dad was Kenneth Cope from 'Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased)', 'Corrie', 'Brookside' and both 'Carry On Matron' & 'Carry On At Your Convenience'.
I went to see Candyskins at The Water Rats in London, and stood next to the bloke from The Fast Show.
It's hard to believe that no-one is really into Candyskins anymore.

Menswear went on to have 5 hit singles including 'Sleeping In', 'Daydreamer' and 'Being Brave'.
Their single 'Stardust' appeared on 'Shine 3', a various artists' showcase of Britpop talent, featuring singles by Marion, Gene, Cast and Echobelly.
The Boo Radleys were also on 'Shine 3'.
It's hard to believe that no-one is really into Cast or Echobelly anymore.

Candyskins didn't feature until 'Shine 8', the fourth of the double Shine albums, that included Bennet, Whitetown, Monaco and Sleeper.
Whitetown was from Norwich.
I met him a few times.
I also met Louise Wener from Sleeper at the first ever Port Eliot Festival.
She writes books now.
It's hard to believe that no-one is really into Bennet, Whitetown, Monaco or Sleeper anymore.

After 'Shine 10' there was a Best of Shine album released in 1996.
It pretty much featured everyone mentioned above, except Marion, Gene, Candyskins, Sleeper, Echobelly and rather surprisingly Menswear.
Luckily new bands like Seahorses, Embrace, Mansun & Republica had come along to replace the ageing Britpop originals.
It's hard to believe that no-one is really into Seahorses, Mansun or Republica anymore.

WINTER'S NAKED CHERRY TREES

We passed by the mill for a while
the cherry trees stripped bare
nude, but for Winter's leather & lace.
The wife in heelies, draped like glory in nylon
a mistress to nature, like a fetish embrace.
Me in plump normal shoes (without holes)
a completely free rambler
with nothing strapped on
to inhibit my pace.


(I'll write almost anything if it gets my blogger stats up)