YANNY MAC'S TEN MINUTE FOOTBALL MANAGEMENT CAREER

I'm often asked by desperate people in these austere times, who I think should manage England?
And my reply is always "Kevin Keegan".

With the average weekly wage for a Premiership football player at around £30k + bonuses, it's easy to see why so many of them opt for a career in management, in order to provide at least one meal a day for their families.
In terms of revenue, the Premiership brings little to 'the economy'.
It's financial impact is akin to one of a small supermarket chain like Fine Fare or Gateways.

It's therefore essential that everyone in the UK (including immigrants and foreigny-looking students) get behind our national sport, and support at least two or three top flight teams.
Season tickets can be had for as little as £900;
but if the thought of hanging out with your boss or your local MP doesn't thrill you, a Sky TV package can be had for just a little bit more.
Replica shirts are essential at a little over £50, so it's easy to see why undergraduates would rather get a job than waste their valuable cash on tuition fees.
(More about getting a Ten Minute Job next month).

Bob Shankly once said that football was about believing in life after death, and as a neo-socialist like me, I think he deserves more praise than he gets.
We can't all be Antony Worrall Thompson, so here is my recipe for a short career in football management.

I call this quick-fix special 'Get Your Benefits Out For The Moyes'.


1. Don't let the poor salaries put you off.
Australians eat fruit and salary more than SEVEN times a day, and they are all rich, and very beautiful.
(see Tim Cahill).

2. Try to have a continental sounding name.
Ancelloti, Mourinho, Plopp and Salami are all very exotic, and make you sound a lot posher than you really are.
(David and Ron are quite boring).

3. Add lots of ginger, some oak-aged Fellaini and lashings of Irn Bru.

4. Wear shoes that don't fit you.
Simmer gently.

5. Serve, way above your means, but way below your potential.

Ingredients:

Multi-Billion Dollar US Holding Corporation (essential in 'Soccer' recipes!)
Russian Oligarchs
Media Moguls
Sheep (lots of)
Under-ripe management skills (optional)
Over-ripe players (optional)
A huge dollop of arrogance to serve.

YANNY MAC'S TEN MINUTE PANCAKE-DAY SUPPER

Pancake Day or Shrove Tuesday is celebrated all over Europe, not just in developed countries like England or America.
Shrove literally means 'use up all the eggs and butter quick' and is often celebrated  40 days before Easter, so that the supermarkets have time to take down the Jif and McDougalls displays, and replace them with larger items, such as Yorkie Easter Eggs and disposable barbecues.
A lot of people forget that Baby Jesus nearly died of malnutrition in the desert, before having himself crucified so that we could make (or buy) hot cross buns and mini eggs.
In France they call Pancake Day 'Mardi Gras' which literally means 'Fat Tuesday', and shows that the French have no respect for Baby Jesus or any of the Big 3 supermarkets.
The Swedes also call Pancake Day 'Fettisdagen' which literally also means 'Fat Tuesday', but as they are significantly wealthier than us, and very nearly invented Lego, my recipe today will ignore them completely, and focus on the slightly more accessible ingredients used by those cuddly Vikings, the people of Iceland.
'Sprengidadur' literally means 'a day for bursting your stomach open', and in my experience, the frozen food from Iceland is very capable of doing just that, if eaten in great quantities.

Ten Minute Sprengidadur Supper

If, like me, you struggle to make your ends meet, living off benefits and generally being feckless, you may find this recipe a little challenging, and decide to get a takeaway pizza from say Pizza Hut or The Dominoes.
If you do, try asking for a maple syrup, or lemon & sugar topping, in order to be festive and show respect for the Lent stuff.

1. Get your ingredients from Iceland

2. The Icelandic people celebrate with salted meat and peas.

3. Carefully sprinkle salt onto your meat (I use Tesco Value Free Running Table Salt, but I once had a lodger who got hers from the sea! I think it was a quirky hipster thing, but it tasted ok, even though it was very lumpy).

4. Open your bag of peas from Iceland carefully, and add them to a boiling pan of water.
(If, like me, you've had your gas cut off, try melting the peas with a lighter from Gary's Discounts, or putting them out in the sunshine for a bit).

5. Serve with Findus Crispy Pancakes from Iceland (optional - mince beef may contain bits of animals).

Ingredients:
Meat (animal meat is best)
Salt
Peas
Crispy Pancakes (optional)

Og Lita' Par!
A ten minute recipe that'll have you fit for bursting, and won't have you taking out a crisis loan in order to pay for the kids Easter eggs

This is a photo of an experiment I did earlier. 
Call it 'Yanny-Fusion' if you like, but I combined pancakes from Iceland with waffles from the more developed & civilised country America (Untied States of, NOT South America!)

A NAKED LUCY WORSLEY

No greeting cards or service-station flowers
No candlelight or making love for hours
No forced gestures or pink confectionery
Just some tissues, closed curtains
And a naked Lucy Worsley.

YANNY MAC'S TEN-MINUTE SUPPERS (Feb)

(An example of an expensive 'pre-cooked' & 'pre-frozen' ready-meal from a supermarket chain)

Apologies for the slight gap in posting.
I've spent most of the last year rallying against global capitalism (fail!), the DWP (fail!), Wetherspoons (fail!) and Julian Assange (partial success), so the Ten Minute Suppers took slightly more than a back-seat;
in fact I wrapped them up in an old carpet and stuck them in a trailer that I very rarely used (metaphor).


I thought for this February's Ten Minute Suppers we could have a go at making both lasagne and spaghetti bolognese, and freezing a batch so that we had a tasty, nutritious and fundamentally cheap ready meal, as & when required.


SPAGHETTI BOLOGNESE

1) Brown some mince & onion.

I use beef mince, but any animal will do. The original Italian recipe uses 'osso bucco' which is literally chopped veal, or a little baby cow. I like my flesh from a grown-up beast, unless it's offal and then I want the youngest lambs available.

2) Add a tin of tomatoes.

 Some people use fresh tomatoes, passata or puree', but they're mostly posh people, and this isn't aimed at them.

3) Boil some spaghetti.

Be careful with this!
Quick Cook spaghetti takes 10minutes and costs a lot. Normal spaghetti takes 10minutes and costs a lot less.

4) Season to taste.

This is not essential, but it adds what chefs call 'flavour'.
Sugar takes the tart out of tomatoes.
Salt takes the earthiness out of the meat.
Garlic takes the saltiness out of the combined ingredients
and black pepper & mixed herbs just take the piss.

(I often sprinkle a little cheese on mine, but we will cover this next year)

Et buongiorno!
Spaghetti a la bolognese dans dix minuetos!





For LASAGNE

Do exactly the same but use the big, square-shaped pasta, not the long thin one.






Ingredients:
pasta
meat
tomatoes
boiling water





                                                 *******************

(February 2012)



Having been inundated with requests for some more recipes, I've decided to publish monthly from now on.
I hope you can all wait a few weeks for each one?

In answer to the letter from Jayne of Ashby-de-la-Zouch; YES! Of course you can use duck eggs in Fried Egg Sarnie (Dec 31), only make sure the bread is wide enough to cope with the egg's size. Duck eggs in the UK are traditionally larger than a basic hen's egg, regardless of whether it's 'free range'.
And to Simon of Gomshall in Surrey; I've yet to come across a cockerel's egg, and would advise caution in this purchase.

Continuing with the sandwich-theme, this month we are going to make Hot Pot-Noodle(tm.)sarnies.
Please be aware that this recipe contains very hot water.

HOT POT NOODLE SARNIE

You will need thick-sliced bread for this rare delicacy.
Any sliced bread will do, but try and buy fresh if possible.

Butter the bread.
It doesn't have to be real butter, but something that trys to emulate the taste of butter (Country Life spread, Utterly Butterly, I Can't Believe.....)is preferable to say, mayonnaisse or jam.
Boil a kettle with water, and follow the instructions on the side of the Pot Noodle(tm.)cup.
It's not too important what flavour you use.
I tend to use spicy curry, but have found chicken & mushroom just as versatile in the past.
NEVER use sweet & sour!
It's really not worth it.

When the noodles are ready (and not before!) carefully spoon them onto one side of the buttered bread.
Now fold it over, being even more careful not to lose any noodles.
I find using a plate helps with any rogue drips.

Et voila!

A nourishing & warming meal for all the family, ready in less than ten minutes!


Ingredients:
Pot Noodle(tm.)
Sliced bread
Butter (or similar)
Boiling water

(Serves approx. 4)