DEAR LATITUDE FESTIVAL: A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS......

I don't want to bang on about the ever-increasing wealth gap in provision of/attaining the arts. I did it last year (and the year before) and it's out there for everyone to read.

http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=4047128714365156996#editor/target=post;postID=5625580970077870690;onPublishedMenu=overview;onClosedMenu=overview;postNum=8;src=postname

The gap gets wider by the day, 'culture' is mainly unaffordable to those on low incomes, and the middle classes still pretend to care about Oxfam, Greenpeace, Water Aid and environmental issues, whilst littering the land with disposable barbecues, gazebos and tents.
The ticket prices for the modern day arts festival are now astronomical, and in order to stay for the duration, one would need an overdraft the size of Bristol just to survive.
The irony is that the only low-income attendees at these orgies of excess are the performers themselves.
And their guests.
And one wouldn't blame them, if after all the hard work & effort they have put in, a Penguin Publishing or SkyTV corporate-type came along and offered them a chance to escape the seemingly endless void of poverty. Only for they themselves to leapfrog aforesaid gap, and suck on the teats of the overlords, until the milk runs dry, and someone else is commissioned to entertain jester-like for the chosen few.

I do however want to have a pop at Festival Republic.

I'll get straight to the point.
The profit-obsessed promotions company who entertain us yearly with events such as Reading, Leeds, Berlin, Hove and Latitude (notice the last one isn't called 'Beccles' or 'Wangford') are a bunch of wankers.
They employ incredibly low-paid staff to do the jobs of people who should be highly paid within their profession; they charge punters ridiculous sums of money to stand about in their own shit & piss, in a field that suffers the degradation of human excess, every fuckin' year; they over-hype their events to the point where we all feel like failures if we haven't attended, and they cheat us out of our hard-earned cash through being coralled into a open-prison, where the only escape is to over-consume, over-inflated food, over several days.

I have had many issues with Festival Republic in the past.
Not least the time that Melvin Benn's storm-troopers threw my tent into a ditch, in order to accommodate Rufus Hound's camper-van;
or the time I left the site to go home, only to find on my return, that in their desire to get more & more Day Ticket punters onto the rain-flooded site, they had gone through three temporary car-parks, and were unsure where to put the fourth, resulting in a five hour trip for me, from house to tent.
I live in Beccles - nine minutes away!
The following day it took me a further seven hours to get home, but at least the AA were doing a roaring trade.

My issues this year are ones that will not arise from my attendance at Latitude 2013, but from details on the ticket itself.

There is now a "£30 Compulsory Donation to Charity" on the FREE tickets for guests.
Apart from the fact that this donation used to be voluntary, and by definition can't be 'compulsory', this figure has increased from £10 in 2007 to a sum that is way out of line with inflation (and welfare benefit increases), despite the fact that they have increased the number of guest tickets allocated by several thousands.

If you refuse to pay your donation, you are immediately asked to forego the Performer's Camping facilities (overflowing toilets & an angry barbecue chef) and pitch your tent in 'Normal Camping', away from your performer friends, and by the fifth day, in a zone that resembles anything other than 'normal camping'.

QUESTION 1: What are the charities that benefit from these donations? Trying as hard as I can with the search-engines and information supplied to me, I can find NO indication as to where this money goes, or who it benefits?

Several years ago I took my daughter to Latitude.
She had a lovely time, and I took advantage of the 'Under 14's Go Free' policy.

I note this year that the policy is now 'Under 4's Go Free'.
The very fact that this information on the ticket is proceeded by (Must Be Accompanied By An Adult At All Times) and even the feral yuppies of Latitude know that Under 4's need parenting, can I suggest that your profit-driven obsession with costs has stooped so low, you did a bit of a cheat on the ticket info?

QUESTION 2: Did you just scratch off the 1 from 'Under 14's' rather than re-write your T&C's to reflect your new policy?

QUESTION 3: In the light of Vodafone being exposed as Britain's largest tax-shirker
(£294m operating profit - NIL tax paid) couldn't you find a slightly less despicable sponsor for your festivals?

QUESTION 4: Why did Glastonbury drop you as a promoter after 12years?

The Incredible Story of The Fat Controller & Julian Assange's Penis

*Apologies*
I should've alerted you to the fact that this is a continuing 'Campaign Update'.

Tesco have finally removed the incredibly annoying Noddy Car from outside of their store.
Instead of "Come & play with me in Toyland' repeated over and over again, by a man who sounds suspiciously like Joe Pasquale, we now have the dulcet tones of Ringo Starr as the Fat Controller from Thomas the Tank Engine.

Julian Assange has not been seen in Ellingham or Beccles for over 48hrs now.
Knowing him, he's probably on some escapade in that London, chasing skirt and following his penis!
That lad will get himself in trouble one day. you mark my words.

Campaign Update (Matches on the Common)

The recent spell of dry & windy weather has left Beccles Common parched, but it would appear that it has nothing to do with God, Julian Assange or Wetherspoons.

Many years ago, some 'bright spark' decided to plant the far-from-native poplar tree on the common, with the intention of selling the wood to the lucrative matchstick industry.
Then along came '5 for a Pound' lighters, Gary's Discounts, Julian Assange and Greggs, and hey presto! We didn't really need to have done that after all.

It's estimated a poplar tree can take up to 50 GALLONS of water, every day!

I say "chop down the trees!" and encourage something more indigenous, and in line with the common's best interest.
And we must do this before Wetherspoons or Greggs espy the vacant space, or before Assange introduces cane-toads.

Campaign Update (Focus DIY)

WE DID IT!
We're hoping to convert the warehouse in Beccles into a climbing gym & 5-a-side pitch now.
(Failing that, we'll take a Homebase)

*Julian Assange is currently appearing at Brighton Festival alongside Carol Ann Duffy & Aung San Suu Kyi

BRING BACK MARY WHITEHOUSE (Local Poet & Son)

It saddens me to see such disagreeable filth on the shelves of our local newsagent, ranging from magazines designed for those who think a house interior is some sort of money-making project, to periodicals aimed at women of a certain age, with a sick penchant for crochet and baking.
But imagine my disgust when today, on purchasing the Beccles & Bungay Journal, I was subjected to the most abhorrent picture my eyes have ever laid upon!
A young 'man', with the largest of gay faces I have ever seen, gazed wistfully into the newspaper's banner, clutching another young 'man' to his chest, the latter sporting the smallest of gay faces possible. The so-called 'local poet' was involved in a tawdry affair, so vile in fact, that I could not bring myself to read the article in its entirety, but needless to say, the strapline ended "....gay library fight".
Inside the paper, on page 3 no less, the big gay face (this time looking like a lesbian that wears dungarees) had written a poem criticising politicians, that positively encouraged our youngsters to "drown....in beer".
Another line cried out "Hurrah! A bum......year".
The other smaller man, screwed his little gay face up for the photo, reminiscent of a young John Lydon, and pointed at the camera, as if to say "You lot can fuck off!"
He was quoted as saying " (I) loves to run around in the beautiful enclosed garden", presumably half-naked and monged-out on Relentless?

The state of our media is in crisis.
And this is why I emphatically plead once again;

PLEASE Bring Back Mary Whitehouse!

Campaign Update (The mysterious reappearance of Julian Assange,butter & nipples)

Julian Assange was seen by my neighbour, signing his tag-thing, yesterday morning in Beccles Police Station.

He was accompanied by a cameraman, who he referred to as 'one of his own'.

They took shots of him entering the police station, and different angle shots of him signing the register.

Assange's original bail conditions (that were made public) required him to attend between 2pm and 5pm in the afternoon.

All press were advised that there was to be NO FILMING or PHOTOGRAPHY inside the station.

Is Julian Assange still on bail, or is he putting the final touches to his forthcoming film?

If he is required to meet bail guidelines, why is he deliberately flouting them?

We say "Oi Oi Oi Jules. What's going on?"

In other news, Tesco Beccles have re-stocked Country Life butter, but it would appear at the expense of Ecovert washing-up liquid.

A customer comment form has been submitted.

And in rather sad news, the media attention given to the increases of breast & skin cancer in women under 30, appears not to have been heeded by the bright young ladies of Suffolk.

Following two days of warm sunshine, nearly every girl in this small town literally had their tits out today.

I thought I saw melanoma at one point;

I can only hope it was nipple.

Take care of your bodies girls, and cover up when you can.

Coming Off Meds (Week 7)

So I done fail.

I'm back on the meds.

Me & Crocodile Snooze are massive fans of the NHS, and we are only too aware of the financial constraints it operates under, but when we received the 'menu' for Kings Hospital's Assisted Conception service, we were astounded.

It's not cheap.

And it's not cheap because it's not that simple.

Wanking into a jam jar is just the start of it, if you ignore the compulsory consultation and it's relevant fees. The defrost & insemination take the costs into the thousands, and that's just not feasible for a couple with our income.

So it's back to traditional methods.

And it seems pointless to go through this all-consuming, chronic pain, if we aren't totally sure of when we want to conceive.

So look out Beccles & Norwich area! When I finally reduce the multiple swellings and regain mobility, I'm gonna be back out there. It feels like years, not 8 weeks, since I actually went out for a pint.

It could get messy before it gets better.

And hey! I saved myself £14-50 in prescription fees.

Win!

Campaign Update (Beccles & Bungay)

In the week we appear to have lost Julian Assange for good, along with Bungay Library, the second of our three independent book-shops has announced that it is closing down.

Greggs will now open on Sundays, so lunchtimes will be much nicer, way up until the new Wetherspoon's gets going.

The dry-cleaners (Beccles' only dry-cleaners) has now become a high-street name bookies, and our lido appears now to have corporate sponsorship from British Gas.

The proposed re-opening for the Slug & Pellet (Suffolk's Smallest Cider-Shed) has been put back to May 2011, due to refurbishment problems, and rats.

Campaign Update

The gollywog shop has closed down. Tesco are expanding. Gary's Discounts has reduced it's wall of wool. The builders started work on Wetherspoon's yesterday. Beccles Kebab & Pizza has a new menu.

Campaign Update (Au revoir Assange)

Now that we have managed to extradite Julian Assange to that London for a few days, local retailers are looking forward to returning to normal.

Half-day closing will resume on Wednesday, and several of us can go back to trolley-shopping, in the knowledge that we won't have to run a gauntlet of European & US journalists, on our way back home.

Take your time Julian.

Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!

My campaign to stop Wetherspoon's opening in Beccles, has gone from strength-to-strength this month. All four town-centre pubs have signed-up anonymously, and a man who lives in Chipping Ongar, but regularly visits Beccles Cemetery, also expressed 'serious dissatisfaction'. Our queueing campaign "Get A Grip Greggs", to alleviate bread & cake queue-jumping, in order to secure warm lunchtime snacks, took a knock back this week. A spokesperson for Greggs called Janice said "We can't be responsible for customer disputes at busy lunchtime periods. We hent social-workers". We are still waiting on a reply from Beccles Outdoor Lido with respect to the ice-rink idea. New Look & QD are still refusing to shut half-day on Wednesdays. Keep fighting the fight.......