TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS w/e 22-03-11

'FLAMINGO LAND' - Bradford City

'CRUMBS' - Carlisle Utd

'ELTON JOHN' GREENHOUS MEADOW - Shrewsbury Town

TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS w/e 21-03-11

ALAN WOOD. PLUMBING & HEATING - Barnsley

IP WILLIAMS. FLOOR SCREED, CONCRETE & FLOORING CONTRACTORS - Bury

JOHN LEWIS PARTNERSHIP - Reading

TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS w/e 20-03-11

MASON'S SCAFFOLDING - Millwall

METALLON: DERBY'S PREMIER METAL RECYCLERS - Derby County

DEMOLITION, EXCAVATION, AGGREGATES & ASBESTOS REMOVAL - Oldham Athletic

Coming Off Meds (Week 7)

So I done fail.

I'm back on the meds.

Me & Crocodile Snooze are massive fans of the NHS, and we are only too aware of the financial constraints it operates under, but when we received the 'menu' for Kings Hospital's Assisted Conception service, we were astounded.

It's not cheap.

And it's not cheap because it's not that simple.

Wanking into a jam jar is just the start of it, if you ignore the compulsory consultation and it's relevant fees. The defrost & insemination take the costs into the thousands, and that's just not feasible for a couple with our income.

So it's back to traditional methods.

And it seems pointless to go through this all-consuming, chronic pain, if we aren't totally sure of when we want to conceive.

So look out Beccles & Norwich area! When I finally reduce the multiple swellings and regain mobility, I'm gonna be back out there. It feels like years, not 8 weeks, since I actually went out for a pint.

It could get messy before it gets better.

And hey! I saved myself £14-50 in prescription fees.

Win!

BABY BOYS' NAMES

Struggling to come off the meds leaves me a lot of time to plan ahead. The missus & I think we've got a great selection of girls names, should our progeny be willy-less.

But boys names are proving a little more difficult.

So far I've only come up with two; 'Herod' (meaning song of the hero) and 'Caligula' (meaning little boots).

The missus is keen on 'Gary', but I feel this is inappropriate for a baby.

Any suggestions?

BRING BACK MARY WHITEHOUSE (Gardeners World)

Great to see hot-walnut Monty Don back on our screens on Friday, instead of that smug git Toby Buckland.

The Don gently forced rhubarb for our viewing pleasure, whilst new girl WhatsHerFace helped prune Helen's clematis.

But what's with the overhaul BBC?

Where's economy fish-finger Alys Fowler?

And what's wrong with Carol Klein's shrubbery?

I'm not sure Gardener's World is ready for a sex-up yet.

Save it for World Naked Gardening Day on May 14th. (wndg.org)

Coming Off Meds (Week 6)

I have chafing thighs.

Despite major weight gains in the past, due to steroids and/or beer, I have never had chafing thighs.

This is new, slightly uncomfortable, but ultimately not very interesting.

I'm performing at this year's Latitude Festival.

Felt I had to gen-up on the bands that were headlining in July. I'm confident I know a bit about Suede, but The National and Paolo Nutini are fairly new to me, what with my personal embargo on Radios 1 & 2.

After enduring several bumper ads for Budweiser and Cravendale milk (when did cows get so brand-conscious?), and all sorts of internet recommendations for musical salvation, I managed to listen to a few tracks by each, based on hits & downloads, now that chart positions have been hijacked by the shit-pimps.

And they're ok.

Nutini has a good voice for a fug lump teenager, but his music is not anything more than 'easy listening'.

I thought I'd heard The National once or twice before, but then remembered it was Editors, Elbow, Tindersticks, Kings of Leon, Pavement et al.

Perhaps it was the sight of bearded geeks in suits & glasses that made me think it was all a little unoriginal, or maybe pop music can only be recycled these days, rather than reinvented?

I dunno.

I'm over the moon that OMD are playing - nothing more than nostalgia for me. And I recently saw C.W.Stoneking live; he is indeed recycling a genre, but not one that drenches our airwaves in sullen mediocrity.

I guess I'm just getting old, and the organisers expect me to be enjoying headline poets or comics, or back in my tent by 10pm.

And I guess they might be right.

I just hope my chafing has ceased by then.