DOGGEREL, FISHING, GERMAN BYTES.

Late into Wimbledon Fortnight.
A storm imminent, and with several strawberries trampled into the carpet
Arnold shuffles to the sofa, clutching Rizla paper and lighter.
He prises open the sticky window before the inevitable body-slump,
and catches the faint whiff of an incoming storm.
The gusset-pong of a damp sandy swimsuit
discarded
atop dead cockles
and draped in fluorescent slime,
on the rope handles of a salty basket.
Fruit juice, rotting fish and a nagging desire for sleep.
He uncurls his gnarled fingers, and clutches at his stick.

"There's the fucker!" He shouts from his cushion.
Through the nicotine-stained curtains, and out into the empty streets.

But no-one is listening.

A TOPLESS ELLIE HARRISON

To get my stats up

I do concede

I have to tease with tags that lead

A desperate person

To click on this one

But only in their hour of need.

**When you've finished, perhaps you'd like to read my stuff about 'austerity chic' (YANNY MAC'S TEN MINUTE SUPPERS) or my insightful pieces into the way the BBC ignores its policies on advertising, in order to get better ratings (TOP NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS).
Or my essays on why the modern pop festival has become more of a right-of-passage involving huge commercial interest, and less of an aesthetic cultural experience (VARIOUS), or my little vignettes on how Julian Assange put my home town on the map (VARIOUS).

***For those of you who prefer political satire, try YANNY MAC - DWILE FLONKER.
A hilarious spoof of those people who just don't get it!

**** Please enjoy the photo of a topless Ellie Harrison, but remember;

it's not real - none of this is real..............

YANNY MAC'S TEN MINUTE EASTER WEEKEND NEWS STORY

On long cold Bank Holiday Weekends, I often find it's very easy to forget that real people exist.

With the culling of the garden centres, the wanton expulsion of money-lenders such as Wonga and the pharisees, and the oh-so British obsession with disposable barbecues and gazebos, Baby Jesus has had to play second fiddle to our whims in recent times, in part, due to his inability to obtain a quick resurrection.
Had the cheeky little rebel risen up to Heaven within a 24hr period, the whole concept of a 4 day break for politicians, bankers and Her Majesty Clare Balding would be anathema.
Hot & cross bun dough rises with a good knead, not need.

The best way to gain temporary notoriety over the Easter Weekend is to mix a soupcon of peril, with a large dollop of ignorance.
I like to lock my children in a room full of bees.
Others like to ply their offspring with six bags of sugar and a bucket of unethically-sourced cocoa.
However, if you really want to usurp the headlines, and knock Ukraine or Louis Hamilton into a cocked hat, you should always use caged animals and carbon monoxide.


LIGHTLY SAUTE'ED KIDS (WITH SLIGHTLY CHILLED LION).

Take an unserviced car full of children to an over-populated, over-subscribed stately home in Wiltshire.
(I find you can get one adult & two teenagers into a safari park for little more than £94-50.
This leaves a fiver change from four ponies, guaranteeing a fun time for all in the gift shop).

Make sure the caged animals are unhappy.
(British weather and high fencing make great misery if you're running short of ideas).

Put the car nose-to-tail with several thousand other cars, and make sure they simmer gently.
(I prefer extra wide 4x4's for that dash of 'added sense of security').

Add a YouTube recorded telephone conversation from the car behind, some very grainy mobile phone footage, and a large measure of hyperbole.

Flambe' for several minutes.

And Noli Me Tangere!
The perfect ten minute Easter news story, for less than several hundred pounds!

Ingredients:
Parental Desperation
Ennui
One large disposable income.
Lashings of petrol.
Blind faith.

Gift shop merchandise (optional).

YANNY MAC'S TEN MINUTE AIR POLLUTION

Once again, I find myself writing on behalf of a minority of the population, who feel excluded and unjustly ignored when it comes to national events or occurrences.

And once again, I can't help thinking that London, Manchester and Birmingham get all the fun stuff, whilst East Anglia pumps out the sugar beet for their lattes, the rapeseed oil for their humvees, and the second homes for their parties.
London has hipsters and the London Eye, Manchester has the BBC and all of the footballs, and Birmingham has The Archers; but not one of them has the beautiful white sands of Great Yarmouth.
And where else would you find a KFC adjacent to a McDonalds, and directly opposite a Wetherspoons?


As the wealthier parts of the UK bask in a glorious cloud of air pollution and exotic sands brought in from Samsara, I am going to show you how to make your own air pollution, in less than ten minutes, and at a cost that wouldn't even get you a replacement smart phone.

The main ingredients for air pollution are ozone and sand.

According to Wikipedia
"Air pollution is the introduction of chemicals, particulate matter, or biological materials that cause harm or discomfort to humans"
So this must be true.

I use builder's sand because most sand is the same.

For chemically biological matter, I have stuffed lots of baby wipes and sanitary products down the toilet in order to cause a back-up in my Victorian plumbing system, and the resulting funk is making my eyes water and the cats cough.

For presentation, I will listen to endless Radio4 interviews with people explaining why the planet is suffocating, why we are not just part of the problem, but why we are the actual problem, and what we can do about it, but let's be honest, we won't.
Garnish with plenty of apathy.

And Bingo!
A soupcon of air pollution that would look good hovering over an overpriced back garden in any major city south of Doncaster.

Ingredients:
Sand
Polluted Air
Asthma (Optional)

YANNY MAC'S TEN MINUTE RECIPE - PASTA & MASH

As a big fan of Jack Monroe, and his Sainsbury's adverts and his blog, and his recipes in the newspapers, I've found myself reading The Guardian a lot more, to see how 'real people' create 'real food'.

Inspired by the latest recipe for 'Make Your Own Gnocchi'
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/mar/21/make-your-own-gnocchi-pasta-recipe
I've decided to concentrate on pasta this month, and more importantly, what it is?

Pasta is made out of wheat.
But sometimes it is made out of wholewheat (which is better for your children if they never leave their room).
And sometimes it is made out of eggs.

One of my favourite websites Fit Chick Tricks .com says this:
"Whether it is angle hair, fettuccini, elbow, or macaroni, white or wheat has become one of the great debates, right along with boxers or briefs, and chocolate or vanilla".

I'm going to use Tesco Value Spaghetti because it is currently only 20p.
(Up yours Aldi! With your so-called 'cheap' 29p pastas!)
I'm also going to use Smash mash because there is little chance of it going green, sprouting triffids or making my veg box dirty.

Gnocchi is essentially pasta stuffed with mash.
If like me, you have only tried it at middle-class students' houses, you'll know that there is always a great chance they will overcook it, and it will taste a bit like wallpaper paste.
My recipe deals with this issue by TIMING the pasta as it boils.

I'm going to use Tesco instant potato instead of Smash because these blogs are about cooking on a budget.
It's essentially the same thing, although if you read the ingredients you'll notice there are a lot less adverts for other Cadbury's products on the packet, thus reducing the overall net unit cost.




1. Boil a kettle
2. Add HALF of the water to a saucepan (any pan will do - it doesn't have to be specifically for sauce)
3. Put the saucepan on a heat source ('source' not 'sauce') and when boiling again, add the spaghetti, stir it about a bit, get it boiling again, and then look at your mobile phone to see what time it is?
Add ten minutes to that number (i.e. 6-45pm + 10 = 6-55 or 18-45 + 10 = 18-55) and remove from heat when cooked.
4. Use the other HALF of the kettle water to make a paste with the potato.
(Be careful. Too much will make it gloopy. Too little will make it crusty.)
5. Mix the potato with the pasta.

E ecco!
Gnocchi Inglesi-style, and all for under a pound!

Ingredients:
Instant Mashed Potato
Spaghetti
Water

YANNY MAC'S TEN MINUTE PANCAKE-DAY SUPPER

Pancake Day or Shrove Tuesday is celebrated all over Europe, not just in developed countries like England or America.
Shrove literally means 'use up all the eggs and butter quick' and is often celebrated  40 days before Easter, so that the supermarkets have time to take down the Jif and McDougalls displays, and replace them with larger items, such as Yorkie Easter Eggs and disposable barbecues.
A lot of people forget that Baby Jesus nearly died of malnutrition in the desert, before having himself crucified so that we could make (or buy) hot cross buns and mini eggs.
In France they call Pancake Day 'Mardi Gras' which literally means 'Fat Tuesday', and shows that the French have no respect for Baby Jesus or any of the Big 3 supermarkets.
The Swedes also call Pancake Day 'Fettisdagen' which literally also means 'Fat Tuesday', but as they are significantly wealthier than us, and very nearly invented Lego, my recipe today will ignore them completely, and focus on the slightly more accessible ingredients used by those cuddly Vikings, the people of Iceland.
'Sprengidadur' literally means 'a day for bursting your stomach open', and in my experience, the frozen food from Iceland is very capable of doing just that, if eaten in great quantities.

Ten Minute Sprengidadur Supper

If, like me, you struggle to make your ends meet, living off benefits and generally being feckless, you may find this recipe a little challenging, and decide to get a takeaway pizza from say Pizza Hut or The Dominoes.
If you do, try asking for a maple syrup, or lemon & sugar topping, in order to be festive and show respect for the Lent stuff.

1. Get your ingredients from Iceland

2. The Icelandic people celebrate with salted meat and peas.

3. Carefully sprinkle salt onto your meat (I use Tesco Value Free Running Table Salt, but I once had a lodger who got hers from the sea! I think it was a quirky hipster thing, but it tasted ok, even though it was very lumpy).

4. Open your bag of peas from Iceland carefully, and add them to a boiling pan of water.
(If, like me, you've had your gas cut off, try melting the peas with a lighter from Gary's Discounts, or putting them out in the sunshine for a bit).

5. Serve with Findus Crispy Pancakes from Iceland (optional - mince beef may contain bits of animals).

Ingredients:
Meat (animal meat is best)
Salt
Peas
Crispy Pancakes (optional)

Og Lita' Par!
A ten minute recipe that'll have you fit for bursting, and won't have you taking out a crisis loan in order to pay for the kids Easter eggs

This is a photo of an experiment I did earlier. 
Call it 'Yanny-Fusion' if you like, but I combined pancakes from Iceland with waffles from the more developed & civilised country America (Untied States of, NOT South America!)

YANNY MAC'S 10 MINUTE VALENTINE'S DAY SUPPER

I’m not one for massive shows of affection, and at this time of the year I think we should focus on the death of baby Jesus more, and Rudolph Valentine a lot less.
The supermarkets and petrol stations are full of sexy toys and cards and flowers and coal around mid-February every year, and it’s a little cynical of them to ‘casually forget’ that if baby Jesus & the Holy Spirit hadn’t teamed-up to make Jesus fly into the air, then chocolate eggs, filled eggs, novelty eggs and even mini-eggs would not have been invented.

However, I’m back on the blog for a one-off Valentino Special that I hope some of you can use to impress that special person in your life, without costing the earth, or impinging on valuable 'you-time'.

Ham & Eggs

Ham is a cheap alternative to crisps or chocolate, and can be tasty.
I use tinned ham because the animals it came from had longer lives, and this way it doesn’t go off as quick.
Ham generally comes from either a turkey, a chicken or a pig.
If it is called Bernard or Matthew, it tends to be made from our feathered friends.
Tinned ham is nearly 40 per cent pig.

Eggs are also made of chicken, but look so different, they could be from entirely different countries.
(See the link below for more eggy recipes).

http://yannymac.blogspot.co.uk/search?updated-min=2011-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&updated-max=2012-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&max-results=50

The contrast between the ham and the egg can be further enhanced by keeping a distance between them on the plate.
(If you haven’t got plates, try using books or something solid like a picture frame).

Take the ham and put it on the plate.
Cook the eggs in your particular favourite way. And be brave!
Serve them on their own.
Or with peas.

Why not add some mustard to spice things up in the bedroom later?

Ingredients:
Ham
Eggs
Peas (Optional)
Mustard (Essential!)

Voila!
A simple, sassy, sexy meal, for that very special someone;  prepared in minutes, and won’t break the bank (but might break the bed!) lol