YANNY MAC'S TEN MINUTE RECIPE - PASTA & MASH

As a big fan of Jack Monroe, and his Sainsbury's adverts and his blog, and his recipes in the newspapers, I've found myself reading The Guardian a lot more, to see how 'real people' create 'real food'.

Inspired by the latest recipe for 'Make Your Own Gnocchi'
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/mar/21/make-your-own-gnocchi-pasta-recipe
I've decided to concentrate on pasta this month, and more importantly, what it is?

Pasta is made out of wheat.
But sometimes it is made out of wholewheat (which is better for your children if they never leave their room).
And sometimes it is made out of eggs.

One of my favourite websites Fit Chick Tricks .com says this:
"Whether it is angle hair, fettuccini, elbow, or macaroni, white or wheat has become one of the great debates, right along with boxers or briefs, and chocolate or vanilla".

I'm going to use Tesco Value Spaghetti because it is currently only 20p.
(Up yours Aldi! With your so-called 'cheap' 29p pastas!)
I'm also going to use Smash mash because there is little chance of it going green, sprouting triffids or making my veg box dirty.

Gnocchi is essentially pasta stuffed with mash.
If like me, you have only tried it at middle-class students' houses, you'll know that there is always a great chance they will overcook it, and it will taste a bit like wallpaper paste.
My recipe deals with this issue by TIMING the pasta as it boils.

I'm going to use Tesco instant potato instead of Smash because these blogs are about cooking on a budget.
It's essentially the same thing, although if you read the ingredients you'll notice there are a lot less adverts for other Cadbury's products on the packet, thus reducing the overall net unit cost.




1. Boil a kettle
2. Add HALF of the water to a saucepan (any pan will do - it doesn't have to be specifically for sauce)
3. Put the saucepan on a heat source ('source' not 'sauce') and when boiling again, add the spaghetti, stir it about a bit, get it boiling again, and then look at your mobile phone to see what time it is?
Add ten minutes to that number (i.e. 6-45pm + 10 = 6-55 or 18-45 + 10 = 18-55) and remove from heat when cooked.
4. Use the other HALF of the kettle water to make a paste with the potato.
(Be careful. Too much will make it gloopy. Too little will make it crusty.)
5. Mix the potato with the pasta.

E ecco!
Gnocchi Inglesi-style, and all for under a pound!

Ingredients:
Instant Mashed Potato
Spaghetti
Water

YANNY MAC'S TEN MINUTE PANCAKE-DAY SUPPER

Pancake Day or Shrove Tuesday is celebrated all over Europe, not just in developed countries like England or America.
Shrove literally means 'use up all the eggs and butter quick' and is often celebrated  40 days before Easter, so that the supermarkets have time to take down the Jif and McDougalls displays, and replace them with larger items, such as Yorkie Easter Eggs and disposable barbecues.
A lot of people forget that Baby Jesus nearly died of malnutrition in the desert, before having himself crucified so that we could make (or buy) hot cross buns and mini eggs.
In France they call Pancake Day 'Mardi Gras' which literally means 'Fat Tuesday', and shows that the French have no respect for Baby Jesus or any of the Big 3 supermarkets.
The Swedes also call Pancake Day 'Fettisdagen' which literally also means 'Fat Tuesday', but as they are significantly wealthier than us, and very nearly invented Lego, my recipe today will ignore them completely, and focus on the slightly more accessible ingredients used by those cuddly Vikings, the people of Iceland.
'Sprengidadur' literally means 'a day for bursting your stomach open', and in my experience, the frozen food from Iceland is very capable of doing just that, if eaten in great quantities.

Ten Minute Sprengidadur Supper

If, like me, you struggle to make your ends meet, living off benefits and generally being feckless, you may find this recipe a little challenging, and decide to get a takeaway pizza from say Pizza Hut or The Dominoes.
If you do, try asking for a maple syrup, or lemon & sugar topping, in order to be festive and show respect for the Lent stuff.

1. Get your ingredients from Iceland

2. The Icelandic people celebrate with salted meat and peas.

3. Carefully sprinkle salt onto your meat (I use Tesco Value Free Running Table Salt, but I once had a lodger who got hers from the sea! I think it was a quirky hipster thing, but it tasted ok, even though it was very lumpy).

4. Open your bag of peas from Iceland carefully, and add them to a boiling pan of water.
(If, like me, you've had your gas cut off, try melting the peas with a lighter from Gary's Discounts, or putting them out in the sunshine for a bit).

5. Serve with Findus Crispy Pancakes from Iceland (optional - mince beef may contain bits of animals).

Ingredients:
Meat (animal meat is best)
Salt
Peas
Crispy Pancakes (optional)

Og Lita' Par!
A ten minute recipe that'll have you fit for bursting, and won't have you taking out a crisis loan in order to pay for the kids Easter eggs

This is a photo of an experiment I did earlier. 
Call it 'Yanny-Fusion' if you like, but I combined pancakes from Iceland with waffles from the more developed & civilised country America (Untied States of, NOT South America!)

YANNY MAC'S 10 MINUTE VALENTINE'S DAY SUPPER

I’m not one for massive shows of affection, and at this time of the year I think we should focus on the death of baby Jesus more, and Rudolph Valentine a lot less.
The supermarkets and petrol stations are full of sexy toys and cards and flowers and coal around mid-February every year, and it’s a little cynical of them to ‘casually forget’ that if baby Jesus & the Holy Spirit hadn’t teamed-up to make Jesus fly into the air, then chocolate eggs, filled eggs, novelty eggs and even mini-eggs would not have been invented.

However, I’m back on the blog for a one-off Valentino Special that I hope some of you can use to impress that special person in your life, without costing the earth, or impinging on valuable 'you-time'.

Ham & Eggs

Ham is a cheap alternative to crisps or chocolate, and can be tasty.
I use tinned ham because the animals it came from had longer lives, and this way it doesn’t go off as quick.
Ham generally comes from either a turkey, a chicken or a pig.
If it is called Bernard or Matthew, it tends to be made from our feathered friends.
Tinned ham is nearly 40 per cent pig.

Eggs are also made of chicken, but look so different, they could be from entirely different countries.
(See the link below for more eggy recipes).

http://yannymac.blogspot.co.uk/search?updated-min=2011-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&updated-max=2012-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&max-results=50

The contrast between the ham and the egg can be further enhanced by keeping a distance between them on the plate.
(If you haven’t got plates, try using books or something solid like a picture frame).

Take the ham and put it on the plate.
Cook the eggs in your particular favourite way. And be brave!
Serve them on their own.
Or with peas.

Why not add some mustard to spice things up in the bedroom later?

Ingredients:
Ham
Eggs
Peas (Optional)
Mustard (Essential!)

Voila!
A simple, sassy, sexy meal, for that very special someone;  prepared in minutes, and won’t break the bank (but might break the bed!) lol

YANNY MAC'S TEN MINUTE SHOP

FEET

Always try to put some shoes & socks on before you leave the house.
The walk to the shops can often be littered with chewing gum, dog poo and other unsavoury items, and I find that a good pair of shoes (nothing fancy mind) can alleviate some of the yeuch-inducing nastiness of stepping into something not very nice.

EYES

Try to use your eyes a bit.
Many shops have stuff for sale that needs to be seen, rather than grabbed blindly, or sucked up into your pouch.
SEE if there any offers on things YOU ACTUALLY WANT, rather than picking up a ten-pack of kitchen roll, when you don't even have a kitchen.
Look around and see what other people are buying.
If there's a queue (and you're not in a Tesco) then it's probably for some short-dated 'reduced' products.
Here you can find cheap Billy Bear ham, bits of broken quiche from the deli, or dented cans of hairspray.

(See my next Ten Minute Suppers blog for what to do with Billy Bear ham & hairspray, and how to feed a party of ten, and still have lots of washing-up to do).

MOUTH

If like me, you enjoy talking to yourself whilst shopping, always look at your list in doing so. That way people think you're only a bit mad, and they are less likely to throw things at you.

ALARM CLOCK

Take an alarm clock with you, and set it to go off after only NINE minutes. This gives you an extra minute.

And finally CASH

Pay for things with cash. This can avoid those embarrassing moments when you get to the checkouts, and no-one wants to barter with you, despite the fact you have ten copies of the Big Issue and a head full of nits.

YANNY MAC'S TEN MINUTE SUPPERS (2014)

My original aim, to provide monthly, nutritious-yet-simple, cheap and easy to assemble suppers, has somewhat been usurped by a young fella with his own baby, and a lucrative contract with a national newspaper and the UK's most successful supermarket chain.

However; never one to be daunted by competition, I've now decided to publish ANNUALLY, continuing from where we left off last February   

http://yannymac.blogspot.com/2012/02/yanny-macs-ten-minute-suppers-feb.html

CUP-A-SOUP (avec pain)

I hear a lot of people going on about benefits, the food banking crisis and immigrantisation, and I can assure you that you don't need ANY of these, to create this ten minute dish.
It's simple and versatile, being suitable for both supper and lunches.

There are a lot of high-end, luxury instant soups on the market at present, such as Heinz 'Squeeze & Stir' and tins that just need warming through.
Don't be fooled!
The soup contained within these tins or tubes is EXACTLY the same sort of soup you'll find in a packet, but at nearly TWICE the price!
Juggling a busy writing career and a horse can often lead to what I like to call convenience purchasing. But if you prepare your ingredients in advance, and add a little 'je ne sais pas', you can be serving up cup-a-soups  to-die-for  in next-to-no-time!

Be careful when choosing your crockery.
Tesco's 'Soup In A Mug' does NOT have to be served in a mug.
It can be served in a cup, or a bowl, or any handy receptacle not made of soft plastic or straw.

Don't worry if you don't own a spoon. A pen will do.

The bread (or 'pain' in France) is optional, but I like to think it offers something more cosmopolitan to the dish.

1. Tear open packet using your fingers or teeth.

2. Boil the kettle, making sure you have enough water to fill a mug (or cup).

3. Add water, stir, season if affordable.

4. Garnish with bread (or 'pain' which is French for bread) and serve.

Ingredients:
Packet Soup (various flavours and themes)

Water (preferably hot)

Bread or 'pain' (optional)

                                         And here's one I prepared earlier!

IN BED WITH MEHDI HASAN & CLARE BALDING.

I’m often accused of humbug behaviour at this time of year.
My misanthropy  borders on the evil side, and I moan and grumble my way through the season of good will, hoping to achieve a sense of relief come twelfth night, and hoping to avoid the inevitable stress-related flare-ups.

But it’s not the season of good will I detest.

It’s the people.

Today I tried my hardest, with my last remaining fiver, to do a ‘Jack Monroe’ in order to feed my family and cats, until the next ESA payment comes in.

And I failed.
I ended up buying value pizza and out-of-date sausages.
(But I also managed to secure a massive bag of reduced sprouts, so that at least me and the wife and the vegetarian lodger can keep the fresh veg intake up for a week or two).

And today, before I left the house, I resolved to smile at everyone I came into contact with.

I felt today I should be glad to be alive, and walking, and warm
(the shops are a great place to go if you can’t afford to have the heating on at home!)
So I smiled and I waved.
I even patted a dog.

But everyone seemed terse and brusque,  fretful, worried and dare I say it, downright miserable.
It was the alarm before the swarm.
Panic filled their eyes and slumped their shoulders.

I let a kid past who was scootering on the pavement, and even though he thanked me, he got scowls from the lady on the motability scooter and “oi”s from a man with a big box of something electrical.
The post office queue was as long as it had been every day of this month (very lengthy) but it was filled with muttering o.a.p.s, angry men in suits and mothers talking out LOUD to their errant children

“ PUT that down!  Why? WHY? Because mummy has to stand here darling. Because we’re in a QUEUE and have BEEN for quite some time now.  PUT THAT DOWN!”

It was only a biro on a chain.
It’s Christmas for fuck’s sake.

Everywhere and everyone was glum, and by the time I smiled at the scruffy chap picking through the bin outside Laura Ashley, I was all smiled out.

Maybe feeding a family of three( + 2 cats) for under a fiver makes me happier than most?
Maybe Xmas has just run out of joy?
Maybe I really don’t like ‘other people’?

I’m not really sure, but I’m glad to be home again.
In bed.
In the cold.
With my emaciated cats and my vaginal knitting.

And according to my email inbox, Mehdi Hasan, Owen Jones and Clare Balding have got tweets for me.

Merry Xmas.

No Future.

A friend of mine was invited to Buckingham Palace last night, to meet the queen of Britain & Scotland.

In fact several of my friends were invited.

But this particular friend didn't go.

A lot of my friends talk-the-talk.
A lot of my friends are poets, and therefore are required to talk-the-talk on quite a regular basis.
In order to be zeitgeisty, fresh and 'down with the kids', a lot of my friends decry this government, and openly abhor anything that is marginally right-of-centre in the world of politics.
A lot of my friends are anti-establishment, and use their words as weapons or tools to joust and hustle those that run our country.
A lot of my friends are fiercely republican, anti-monarchy and repulsed at the thought of titular inheritance, silver spoons, old money and the nepotism that pervades the British class-system.

Some of my friends went to London to visit the queen.

One of my friends didn't.