TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS w/e 05-02-12

Lascelles Opticians: Great eyecare is our goal! - Plymouth Argyle

Great Victoria: Best bedrooms in Bradford! - Bradford City

Gordons: Lawyers on your side! - Bradford City

DEAR CLARE BALDING.......

Dear Clare Balding,

I'm sorry I stopped following you on Twitter last year.
I was reckless & stupid.

I'm also sorry I stopped following Emma Freud and Elly Olroyd.

I now understand how Twitter works, and I realise that you are an important part of the whole experience.
I felt I could cope without you, as long as we had our Ramblings on Radio4 and the odd horse-meet.
You even said 'hi' to me when Luke Wright (the poet, not the cricketer) was with you on Saturday Live.
Our relationship felt consummate.

It was when I topped 200 'Followings' on Twitter that I realised I had gone too far.

I should've unfollowed Frankie Coccoza and The Real Gok Wan, but instead I rejected you, and for this I will be eternally sorry.

I hope you will accept my apology and we can tweep-it-up together again soon.

I have a horse called Albie.
He is very young, and we backed him ourselves.

Love Yanny.x

BRING BACK MARY WHITEHOUSE (Alys Fowler)

The little economy fish-finger is up to her old tricks again.

I've written about the green-digit goblin in the past.
She has form when it comes to the sexualisation of our multi media world.
I don't mind Carol Klein or Monty Don getting a little jiggy in the strawberry patch, IF (and only IF) it serves a purpose, and does not refer to genitalia or readers' wives.

But Fowler has gone too far this weekend.
Yet again.

She starts her Guardian Weekend supplement piece by informing us that she pops off to the shed to look at her secret stash of 'Garden Porn'.
Apparently she gets off at looking at pics of bushes in full bloom.
Now, I'm all for a hirsute leylandi, but I don't think this warrants being referred to as 'porn'.
Editorial work immediately goes online these days, so imagine the horror of a part-time gardener entering (and I use that word carefully) search terms into his or her Google, and coming up with an article about pornography.

Amateur + Gardener + Tool + Muck + Redhead + Snow + Muff = moral minefield.

Fowler goes on to say she wishes she didn't have to resort to 'Garden Porn' because she prefers the real thing.
I would go on to say that the 'real thing' is probably indoors, in the warm, waiting for her to stop going blind in the potting-shed.

I would further go on to say "Bring Back Mary Whitehouse".
I've had just about enough of this commodification of Mother Nature, and her feminine wiles.

MENSWEAR La La La.

It's hard to believe that no-one is really into Menswear anymore.
Everyone loved Menswear in 1995.
If you Google 'Menswear' now, the band isn't even mentioned until the 25th entry.

I was into Gene and Marion in 1995.
I had Menswear's album, but I preferred the Morrissey-like dulcet tones of Martin Rossiter, and the Johnny Marr-infused rock of Macclesfield's finest.
It's hard to believe that no-one is really into Marion or Gene anymore.

My girlfriend at the time was into Candyskins.
The two Cope lads' dad was Kenneth Cope from 'Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased)', 'Corrie', 'Brookside' and both 'Carry On Matron' & 'Carry On At Your Convenience'.
I went to see Candyskins at The Water Rats in London, and stood next to the bloke from The Fast Show.
It's hard to believe that no-one is really into Candyskins anymore.

Menswear went on to have 5 hit singles including 'Sleeping In', 'Daydreamer' and 'Being Brave'.
Their single 'Stardust' appeared on 'Shine 3', a various artists' showcase of Britpop talent, featuring singles by Marion, Gene, Cast and Echobelly.
The Boo Radleys were also on 'Shine 3'.
It's hard to believe that no-one is really into Cast or Echobelly anymore.

Candyskins didn't feature until 'Shine 8', the fourth of the double Shine albums, that included Bennet, Whitetown, Monaco and Sleeper.
Whitetown was from Norwich.
I met him a few times.
I also met Louise Wener from Sleeper at the first ever Port Eliot Festival.
She writes books now.
It's hard to believe that no-one is really into Bennet, Whitetown, Monaco or Sleeper anymore.

After 'Shine 10' there was a Best of Shine album released in 1996.
It pretty much featured everyone mentioned above, except Marion, Gene, Candyskins, Sleeper, Echobelly and rather surprisingly Menswear.
Luckily new bands like Seahorses, Embrace, Mansun & Republica had come along to replace the ageing Britpop originals.
It's hard to believe that no-one is really into Seahorses, Mansun or Republica anymore.

TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS (w/e 17-01-12)

MID-SUSSEX FORKLIFT SERVICES: FORKLIFT SERVICES - Crawley Town.

HEATING CONTROLS: HEATING CONTROLS, BURNERS & COMBUSTION EQUIPMENT (OFFICIAL UK SUPPLIERS OF MADAS PRODUCTS) - Bury.

CLAYTON PARK PIES: PIES - Preston North End.

WINTER'S NAKED CHERRY TREES

We passed by the mill for a while
the cherry trees stripped bare
nude, but for Winter's leather & lace.
The wife in heelies, draped like glory in nylon
a mistress to nature, like a fetish embrace.
Me in plump normal shoes (without holes)
a completely free rambler
with nothing strapped on
to inhibit my pace.


(I'll write almost anything if it gets my blogger stats up)

TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS (w/e 09-01-12)

At last count, I had only three people admit that they read this blog.
I have no idea whether they still do, but would like to dedicate this TTNPAH to one of them;
my friend John Osborne.

John is a published author (Radio Head, The Newsagent's Window) and published poet (What If Men Burst In Wearing Balaclavas, The New Blur Album), and an avid Carlisle United fan.
I haven't heard much from 'Jozzers' recently as he has been very busy.
When he's not entertaining Radio1 DJs with his fantastic Radio4 show "John Peel's Shed", he's off doing gigs with Arthur Smith, Emmy the Great and Tim Key.
I miss him greatly, but cracked a huge smile when I heard that Carlisle had won 4-1 against Leyton Orient at the weekend.

This is for him.

CARLISLE REFRIGERATION:REFRIGERATION & GAS ENGINEERS - Carlisle Utd.

REAYS TRAVEL: OFFICIAL TEAM COACH PROVIDER - Carlisle Utd.

PAUL FERGUSON & family: SUPPORTING - Carlisle Utd.