Monday 28 March 2011

THE TOP 15 ALL-TIME NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS (2010/11)



THE SOFA KING: OUR PRICES ARE SOFA KING LOW, YOU MAY WET YOUR PANTS - Northampton Town


BUFFET CITY: ALL YOU CAN EAT FROM 3-15 - Plymouth Argyle


ADVERTISE HERE: TEL 0114 223834 - Rotherham Utd


FAMILY SIZE PIES - Liecester City


ANTHONY - Wycombe Wanderers


MARINO FISH BAR and TAKEAWAY (and CAFE) - Gillingham


KEITHS - Bristol City


DAVID FISHWICK: MINIBUS SALES - Burnley


WHIP STREET MOTORS - Ipswich Town


DIVORCE ONLINE - Swindon Town


WILFREDA BEEHIVE - Doncaster Rovers


MANNERS PIMBLETT - Stockport County


mc CARPETS - Wycombe Wanderers


ew SPECIALISTS - Lincoln City


TORBAY TAXIS: 211611 A LESS TAXING TAXI - Torquay Utd

Thursday 24 March 2011

TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS (The penultimate one)



POTT'S PIES - Morecambe.

IDEAL SCAFFOLDINGS - Aldershot Town.

FARMHOUSE BISCUITS - Burnley.

Campaign Update (The mysterious reappearance of Julian Assange,butter & nipples)



Julian Assange was seen by my neighbour, signing his tag-thing, yesterday morning in Beccles Police Station.

He was accompanied by a cameraman, who he referred to as 'one of his own'.

They took shots of him entering the police station, and different angle shots of him signing the register.


Assange's original bail conditions (that were made public) required him to attend between 2pm and 5pm in the afternoon.


All press were advised that there was to be NO FILMING or PHOTOGRAPHY inside the station.


Is Julian Assange still on bail, or is he putting the final touches to his forthcoming film?

If he is required to meet bail guidelines, why is he deliberately flouting them?

We say "Oi Oi Oi Jules. What's going on?"


In other news, Tesco Beccles have re-stocked Country Life butter, but it would appear at the expense of Ecovert washing-up liquid.

A customer comment form has been submitted.


And in rather sad news, the media attention given to the increases of breast & skin cancer in women under 30, appears not to have been heeded by the bright young ladies of Suffolk.

Following two days of warm sunshine, nearly every girl in this small town literally had their tits out today.

I thought I saw melanoma at one point;

I can only hope it was nipple.

Take care of your bodies girls, and cover up when you can.

Wednesday 23 March 2011

TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS w/e 24-03-11



DUNCAN PHILLIPS - Barnet.

J.G. JONES - Hartlepool Utd.

MORRIS LUBRICANTS - Shrewsbury Town.

Tuesday 22 March 2011

TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS w/e 23-03-11



DAGGERS HOLIDAY CLUB - Dagenham & Redbridge.

SWANSEA FASTENERS - Swansea City.

BRADFORD DECORATING - Oxford Utd.

Monday 21 March 2011

TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS w/e 22-03-11



'FLAMINGO LAND' - Bradford City

'CRUMBS' - Carlisle Utd

'ELTON JOHN' GREENHOUS MEADOW - Shrewsbury Town

TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS w/e 21-03-11



ALAN WOOD. PLUMBING & HEATING - Barnsley

IP WILLIAMS. FLOOR SCREED, CONCRETE & FLOORING CONTRACTORS - Bury

JOHN LEWIS PARTNERSHIP - Reading

Sunday 20 March 2011

TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS w/e 20-03-11



MASON'S SCAFFOLDING - Millwall

METALLON: DERBY'S PREMIER METAL RECYCLERS - Derby County

DEMOLITION, EXCAVATION, AGGREGATES & ASBESTOS REMOVAL - Oldham Athletic

Saturday 19 March 2011

Coming Off Meds (Week 7)



So I done fail.

I'm back on the meds.


Me & Crocodile Snooze are massive fans of the NHS, and we are only too aware of the financial constraints it operates under, but when we received the 'menu' for Kings Hospital's Assisted Conception service, we were astounded.

It's not cheap.

And it's not cheap because it's not that simple.

Wanking into a jam jar is just the start of it, if you ignore the compulsory consultation and it's relevant fees. The defrost & insemination take the costs into the thousands, and that's just not feasible for a couple with our income.

So it's back to traditional methods.

And it seems pointless to go through this all-consuming, chronic pain, if we aren't totally sure of when we want to conceive.

So look out Beccles & Norwich area! When I finally reduce the multiple swellings and regain mobility, I'm gonna be back out there. It feels like years, not 8 weeks, since I actually went out for a pint.

It could get messy before it gets better.

And hey! I saved myself £14-50 in prescription fees.

Win!

Wednesday 16 March 2011

BABY BOYS' NAMES



Struggling to come off the meds leaves me a lot of time to plan ahead. The missus & I think we've got a great selection of girls names, should our progeny be willy-less.

But boys names are proving a little more difficult.

So far I've only come up with two; 'Herod' (meaning song of the hero) and 'Caligula' (meaning little boots).

The missus is keen on 'Gary', but I feel this is inappropriate for a baby.

Any suggestions?

BRING BACK MARY WHITEHOUSE (Gardeners World)





Great to see hot-walnut Monty Don back on our screens on Friday, instead of that smug git Toby Buckland.


The Don gently forced rhubarb for our viewing pleasure, whilst new girl WhatsHerFace helped prune Helen's clematis.




But what's with the overhaul BBC?


Where's economy fish-finger Alys Fowler?


And what's wrong with Carol Klein's shrubbery?




I'm not sure Gardener's World is ready for a sex-up yet.




Save it for World Naked Gardening Day on May 14th. (wndg.org)




Coming Off Meds (Week 6)



I have chafing thighs.

Despite major weight gains in the past, due to steroids and/or beer, I have never had chafing thighs.

This is new, slightly uncomfortable, but ultimately not very interesting.


I'm performing at this year's Latitude Festival.

Felt I had to gen-up on the bands that were headlining in July. I'm confident I know a bit about Suede, but The National and Paolo Nutini are fairly new to me, what with my personal embargo on Radios 1 & 2.

After enduring several bumper ads for Budweiser and Cravendale milk (when did cows get so brand-conscious?), and all sorts of internet recommendations for musical salvation, I managed to listen to a few tracks by each, based on hits & downloads, now that chart positions have been hijacked by the shit-pimps.

And they're ok.

Nutini has a good voice for a fug lump teenager, but his music is not anything more than 'easy listening'.

I thought I'd heard The National once or twice before, but then remembered it was Editors, Elbow, Tindersticks, Kings of Leon, Pavement et al.

Perhaps it was the sight of bearded geeks in suits & glasses that made me think it was all a little unoriginal, or maybe pop music can only be recycled these days, rather than reinvented?

I dunno.

I'm over the moon that OMD are playing - nothing more than nostalgia for me. And I recently saw C.W.Stoneking live; he is indeed recycling a genre, but not one that drenches our airwaves in sullen mediocrity.

I guess I'm just getting old, and the organisers expect me to be enjoying headline poets or comics, or back in my tent by 10pm.

And I guess they might be right.

I just hope my chafing has ceased by then.

Tuesday 15 March 2011

Data Mining Game



It's official.

I'm no longer an ABC1.


According to the Office of National Statistics, my shopping basket is no longer representative of the average consumer.

I should've seen this coming when I started growing my own veg, and I opted for a payg phone, with incoming calls only.


As an ex-vegetarian, I was surprised to see pork shoulder joints removed from the list.

My local Tesco devotes at least 30sq feet to freshly slaughtered pig, but only a tenth of that space to 'veggie-hippy-stuff'. Cigarettes have also been taken out of the average representative shop, despite my local Tesco devoting twice as much space to these (per unit) as for dead porkers.

I can only assume the normal UK shopper is eating too much chicken, and has been forced to give up the weed by do-gooding campaigners & politicians who don't like Ken Clarke?


With sparkling wine now included, along with dating agency fees & apps(?), the average British consumer could be seen as a Bridget Jones type, desperate for the right fella, and in denial of her social-alcoholism, capable only of cooking oven-ready meals.


The problem here, is the removal of the fleece.


Why was the fleece in the shopping basket in the first place?

Did a shameful piece of mass-produced clothing, suitable only for festival camp fires, and slouching about with a pyjama'd partner, really represent the typical UK shopper over the past few years?

Is it any wonder dating agency fees are on the increase?

Sunday 13 March 2011

TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS w/e 14-03-11



IAN WRIGHT - Hartlepool Utd.


mc CARPETS - Wycombe Wanderers.


GRAHAM TRESSIDER. NANTWICH FUNERAL SERVICES - Crewe Alexandra.

Friday 11 March 2011

BRING BACK MARY WHITEHOUSE (Embarrassing Bodies)




I'm not being funny, but do we really need to see a bent erection, only 45 minutes after the watershed?

I'm as happy as the next man, that this man, from Great Yarmouth man,

can now show his penis with pride on Channel 4;

but was there really a need for us to witness his own pride, when the general consensus seems to be "no wood on telly"?


And why perpetuate the myth that symmetrical breasts are somehow 'best'?


Shocking.


I say bring back Mary Whitehouse.


Tuesday 8 March 2011

Coming Off Meds (Week 5)

My toes are splitting. My toes & toe-nails are splitting and bleeding. My joints are so swollen, they don't fit my skin. And Norwich are being held at Leicester. It's not been one of my best weeks.

Monday 7 March 2011

TOP 3 NON-PREMIERSHIP ADVERTISING HOARDINGS w/e 06-03-11




PYRAMID HYGIENE - Cardiff City


TOOLTASTIC - Port Vale


MANNERS PIMBLETT - Stockport County

Wednesday 2 March 2011

Coming Off Meds (Week 4)


For those of you not up-to-date (and it's sometimes a little hard to reach all 24 of you), I've been coming off my long term medication, since the start of the year. The intention is to have med-free sperm available for mid-May, thus enabling myself & Crocodile Snooze to start planning a family.

I've been on a drug called methotrexate for twenty years now.

It's a frighteningly powerful immuno-suppressant drug, often used in recovering cancer patients, and effective in combatting the anti-bodies responsible for associated rheumatoid arthropathies.

This is Week 4 without any methotrexate at all.


I can't begin to tell you how painful this all is.


The thought of continuing to decline in health, at this very rapid rate, for the next 11 weeks, is more depressing than following myself on Twitter.

I have a window of opportunity every day, where my distalgesia collides with my anti-inflammatories, in which I have to decide upon a physical task to complete, avoiding anything sharper than paper, and everything that could traumatise my extremities.

Stairs, shoes, hard-floors, firewood, tin cans, tables, jars and child-proof lids are all becoming inaccessible or potentially dangerous.

My half-hour bath is now a ten minute job, leaving me twenty minutes to get in & out.

I know every character in The Archers inside-out (and I still detest Pip).

And I've even started reading a book.


This is Week 4.

By Week 15, I will have clean & healthy sperm.

Not only med-free, but booze & nicotine free as well.

Crocodile Snooze can then think about giving up the Marvelon & Pinot Grigio at a time suitable to her career and social life, but in 11 weeks time I will have almost done my bit.


All I have to do is get myself from Beccles to King's Hospital in London, part with £400, and wank into a jam jar.

Piece of piss.

Tuesday 1 March 2011

A First Date Rule (for Susie Orbach)





Please don't shave off
your pubic hair for me
as it's a little disconcerting
to a man who's 43.