Tuesday, 30 November 2010

The Leaks

Picky-Leeks - Youngest child announces opposition to green veg.
Hickie-Leaks - Teenage son confesses he gave himself lovebite.
Titty-Leaks - Pregnant mum declares loss of breast-pad.
Dicky-Leaks - Husband admits stealing pad for his incontinence problem.
Nikki-Leaks - Teenage daughter spells own name in affected style on pencil-case.
Vikki-Leaks - Daughter's friend affects similar name-change.
Sickie-Leaks - Father admits to taking 'duvet-day'.
Quickie-Leaks - Husband reminds wife that all children are at school until 4pm.

Monday, 29 November 2010

Day Four (or was it Five?)

Clocks back.
Six inches of snow (would I lie?)
But no Christmas-Tree Man, punting near the Strawberry-Hut on the A143 near Gillingham.
Amidst this confusion, my body-clock looks for clues.
My kitchen digital radio, now married to an earpiece, itself divorced from my bedside transistor.
My slumber, dot-full of waking boundaries, but bereft of oh-so many wickets.
Sleep caught in patches, the pillow-slips making a 3rd man of my wife.
How long have I been awake?
And where is Kevin Pietersen?
I fall into unconsciousness to congratulate the boys, but they are already on their way to the city of churches. It's Monday I think.
We need milk.

Saturday, 27 November 2010

Day Three (of three)

I couldn't really cope with the H&H show. I wouldn't call myself English but I am now the butt of my wife's Aussie family's sledging. I went off on my own into the snow-covered Suffolk countryside. I picked sloes. I will make purple gin as seen on Edwardian Farm.

Friday, 26 November 2010

Day Two (of possibly five)

The Ashes Hat-Trick hangover goes beyond four cups of tea Woman’s Hour Tweet Email Tweet again And four chilly trips for a wee. The decision is to retire early Declare. And seek warmth within The duvet The wife The cat & the kitten The alarm set & ready for 5-30am. By the end of Question Time You know you’ve done fail. The cider The fire The wicket The piss in the snow The sound of Aggers chuckling at Movember, McCririck Geoffrey's lack of patience and Mr.Cricket. At midnight I hear the click And whirr Of the Economy 7 And I know I’m now in it for the night.

Thursday, 25 November 2010

The Very First Test

Coldest night of the year.
Jonathan Agnew on FiveLive Extra.
Red Button (Graphics).
A 'sultry morning' at the Gabba on the other side of the world.
I'm suddenly aware that I however, am on the mist-shrouded, semi-frozen Broads.
The coals on the fire diminish as my breath colours the air.
The game is afoot with a winning toss and Sir Geoffrey reminds us all of the value of privilege.
The cats are non-plussed.
The excitement of a late-night has dwindled like the coals.
With England batting first, my body language leads them from food bowl to water, in anticipation of a slow few hours.
A minute's silence for 29 miners.
But no 'Land of Hope & Glory'. No 'Jerusalem'.
As a tenor leads fair Australia into advancing young & free.
Hilfenhaus to Strauss.
A nominal indictment on former colonial policies.
3rd ball. A wicket.

The game was afoot but my eyes were closed before Trott got them off.
A start,
that was, by morning,
over at stumps
and blanketed with a thick layer of snow.

Dead Poet

Philip Larkin un-friended me on Facebook No reason given, no provocation Just an absence from my Friends List when clicking on 'View All' I do not miss him.

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Time Please!

Due to necessary, but brutal, budgetary cuts, the government will be rearranging the modern concept of ‘time’ forthwith. From 2011, the year 2010 will no longer exist; being referred to from now on as Love’s Labour’s Loss No.1. GMT & BST will now collectively be called ‘Euro-Time’, thus increasing its value in China & the Pacific Rim. As a mark of deference, Chinese lanterns made in Hong Kong will be donated to Scottish farmers & schoolchildren. Greenwich Observatory will be replaced by a massive digital watch sponsored by Greggs bakers, and a banner proclaiming “You know when it’s time for lunch”. The January Sales that traditionally start in November, will be replaced by the year-long DFS model, to avoid confusion amongst shoppers. Valentines Day will be re-named Valentines Fortnight (‘V15’ every Leap Year), and to celebrate this occurrence, first-round audition loser, Jodie from Pop Idol 2, will record “Money Can Buy Me Love” with X-Factor runner-up Andy Abraham. The One Minute Silence (aka.Two Minute Silence) will now last up to 6 minutes, indicated to those participating, by a 4th Official, and length-dependent on injuries sustained during whatever conflict they are remembering (subject to change with regard to ITV scheduling). Christmas is now one of the officially recognised Five Seasons, with spring & summer reducing in length, to allow the ‘festive period’ to start in October. The setting of ‘lighting-up time’ will be the responsibility of each individual local council, based on need & necessity. Gomshall & Abinger Hammer in Surrey will employ an out-of-town village-idiot to light candles in the absence of romantic moonlight, and he/she will cry ‘All is well’ in doing so. Nottingham City Council will sporadically shine spotlights into every living-room, whilst reminding people of the dangers of gun-crime, by playing M.I.A.’s ‘Paper Planes’ at an extremely loud volume. Oxbridge students will now study for 5 years for a typical undergraduate course, thus increasing it’s market value by at least 18k. Saints’ feast days will be replaced with ‘consecutive or palindromic number-sequence days’. At a quarter past four in the afternoon (& 14 seconds), next December 13th, we will have a nano-second’s silence to remember St.Clare – the Virgin Martyr of Bruges. If anyone really knows about doing time it’s George ‘Boy’ O’Dowd. He once sang: Because time won't give me time And time makes lovers feel Like they've got something real But you and me we know They've got nothing but time And time won't give me time Won't give me time Don't make me feel any colder Time is like a clock in my heart Touch we touch was the heat too much I felt I lost you from the start. Moving stuff. But I’ll leave the final words to Zebedee of Magic Roundabout fame. “It’s late. Fuck off to bed”

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Suicide Blonde

I'm thinking of bleaching my hair again and getting a speed-habit and moving to the city, and going back to school.I'm thinking of recharging my batteries and taking-up gin again and piercing my face.I'm thinking of ditching Edwardian and rediscovering Rave.I'm thinking of leaving the countryside, the allotment and the open-fire.
And middle-aged spread and early nights and You&Yours and trips to Aldeburgh.
I'm thinking of leaving this all behind and having just one more go.I'm thinking about it a lot.

Just saying....

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Day Trip to Lowestoft

Nail bar
Tanning salon
Nail bar