Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Time Please!

Due to necessary, but brutal, budgetary cuts, the government will be rearranging the modern concept of ‘time’ forthwith. From 2011, the year 2010 will no longer exist; being referred to from now on as Love’s Labour’s Loss No.1. GMT & BST will now collectively be called ‘Euro-Time’, thus increasing its value in China & the Pacific Rim. As a mark of deference, Chinese lanterns made in Hong Kong will be donated to Scottish farmers & schoolchildren. Greenwich Observatory will be replaced by a massive digital watch sponsored by Greggs bakers, and a banner proclaiming “You know when it’s time for lunch”. The January Sales that traditionally start in November, will be replaced by the year-long DFS model, to avoid confusion amongst shoppers. Valentines Day will be re-named Valentines Fortnight (‘V15’ every Leap Year), and to celebrate this occurrence, first-round audition loser, Jodie from Pop Idol 2, will record “Money Can Buy Me Love” with X-Factor runner-up Andy Abraham. The One Minute Silence (aka.Two Minute Silence) will now last up to 6 minutes, indicated to those participating, by a 4th Official, and length-dependent on injuries sustained during whatever conflict they are remembering (subject to change with regard to ITV scheduling). Christmas is now one of the officially recognised Five Seasons, with spring & summer reducing in length, to allow the ‘festive period’ to start in October. The setting of ‘lighting-up time’ will be the responsibility of each individual local council, based on need & necessity. Gomshall & Abinger Hammer in Surrey will employ an out-of-town village-idiot to light candles in the absence of romantic moonlight, and he/she will cry ‘All is well’ in doing so. Nottingham City Council will sporadically shine spotlights into every living-room, whilst reminding people of the dangers of gun-crime, by playing M.I.A.’s ‘Paper Planes’ at an extremely loud volume. Oxbridge students will now study for 5 years for a typical undergraduate course, thus increasing it’s market value by at least 18k. Saints’ feast days will be replaced with ‘consecutive or palindromic number-sequence days’. At a quarter past four in the afternoon (& 14 seconds), next December 13th, we will have a nano-second’s silence to remember St.Clare – the Virgin Martyr of Bruges. If anyone really knows about doing time it’s George ‘Boy’ O’Dowd. He once sang: Because time won't give me time And time makes lovers feel Like they've got something real But you and me we know They've got nothing but time And time won't give me time Won't give me time Don't make me feel any colder Time is like a clock in my heart Touch we touch was the heat too much I felt I lost you from the start. Moving stuff. But I’ll leave the final words to Zebedee of Magic Roundabout fame. “It’s late. Fuck off to bed”

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