Nigella's Tits

I lunged for the soy
and juddered to a bumpy slide
twixt the plum sauce & mustard

A dirty condiment cupboard
well past its sell-by suggestion
and covered in dates

I suppressed the feeling
a yearning to clean, yet nothing
more than a passing wipe

A wipe that with glossing
gave a sheen so inviting
it made me feel like Nigella's tits