Friday, 17 June 2011


I enjoy my weekly trip to Tesco, especially when it's a little cooler than of late, and the young folk are dressed sensibly.
But this week, despite it raining on most days, I was horrified at what I saw in aisle 15(condiments & sauces).
Since when did Guinness make ketchup?
And why is Jack Daniels making barbecue sauce?
I understand Levi Roots wants us to get jiggy-jiggy with his chilli & vinegar concoction; and due to his relentless tv appearances, he appears to have convinced the buyers.
But why alcohol brands?

Is this an attempt at subliminal association?
"Ere Duchess. We'll need sauce for the burgers. Oh, and pick us up a crate of cool, refreshing sour mash whiskey while you're there?"

Or is this just global domination by manufacturer?
This week, Heinz meets Diageo.
Next week Nestle' meets Pampers - "it's not what you put in, it's where it comes out".
I'm all for innovation, but peddling the same rubbish, under bigger marques or logos, doesn't really suggest progress.
No-one wants fish fingers made by Durex.

Mary Whitehouse would never have put up with this.
You know what to do.......

Wednesday, 8 June 2011


We can only imagine how the conversation went.

(SUNDAY 5th JUNE. 10-30AM. A Surrey village green)

Addington Village Cricket Captain: Hello Bob
St.Lukes Village Cricket Captain: Hi Gerry.
You ready for a damn good thrashing today!

AVCC: (chortles too) You bet!
Listen Bob. We’ve got this teenage Pakistani lad who wants a game.
I promised his dad.
You ok with him having a swing?

StLVCC: Pakistani hey? As long as it’s not Imran Khan!
(both chortle, one less convincingly than the other)

AVCC: We’ll probably give him a bowl before lunch, and see how he gets on.
If we win the toss?!

StLVCC: You always do Gerry! You always do.


(2-37PM. Early Tea. A Surrey village green)

St.LVCC: Four wickets and sixty runs already eh, Bob?
Which part of Pakistan did you say he was from?

AVCC: Carshalton Gerry.

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Campaign Update (Matches on the Common)

The recent spell of dry & windy weather has left Beccles Common parched, but it would appear that it has nothing to do with God, Julian Assange or Wetherspoons.

Many years ago, some 'bright spark' decided to plant the far-from-native poplar tree on the common, with the intention of selling the wood to the lucrative matchstick industry.
Then along came '5 for a Pound' lighters, Gary's Discounts, Julian Assange and Greggs, and hey presto! We didn't really need to have done that after all.

It's estimated a poplar tree can take up to 50 GALLONS of water, every day!

I say "chop down the trees!" and encourage something more indigenous, and in line with the common's best interest.
And we must do this before Wetherspoons or Greggs espy the vacant space, or before Assange introduces cane-toads.

Monday, 6 June 2011


Thank God for Sarah Teather & David Cameron!
A proposed website for like-minded people to complain about the vile muckiness that most of us are subjected to on a daily basis.
I sincerely hope they let Mary Whitehouse be a moderator.

Only the other day, my teenage daughter asked me to get tickets for an event at the Norfolk Showground, a venue that has, in the past, showcased 'Wheels of Steel' and ' The East Anglian Game Fayre'.
I asked the ticket-vendor who was performing at this so-called 'weekender', and you can only imagine how disgusted I felt on hearing the line-up.

One of the musicians claimed to be a 'Professor', although subsequent investigations suggest he didn't even get his GCSEs, let alone a PGCE.
This is how peadophiles roll, I'm told.
Another pop-star seemed happy that he had a temper, albeit a very small one, and another felt proud of his achievement in not being able to increase his stride.
Do they not teach PE in schools anymore?
I can only assume that the organisers have their Rex Harrison films mixed-up, as the appearance of Eliza Doolittle alongside a talking, singing chipmunk, suggests that the doctor is not in the house.

The Norfolk Showground, once an arena for the Best in Breed, is now a breeding-ground for the worst in filth & degradation.

Please Mary Whitehouse.
Come back and save us all......

Sunday, 5 June 2011


What IS going on?

Last week we had the ginger one, ejaculating over his family-home, where they farm stuff, and drive big 4x4's with legitimacy.

And this week we're subjected to Matt.

Back at his childhood stomping ground, creaming over the rides he experienced in the back lanes of Ruralsville.
Mr. Baker nearly exploded when he donged the school-bell, behaviour more suited to an onanistic campanologist.

Why the self-indulgence BBC?
Why does this say anything to us about our lives, particularly on Sunday evenings?

What next?
Julia Bradbury showing us where she was first titted-up, in a haystack, behind an oast-house owned by her forefathers?

It's time to bring back Mary Whitehouse!


Absolutely shocking.