On long cold Bank Holiday Weekends, I often find it's very easy to forget that real people exist.
With the culling of the garden centres, the wanton expulsion of money-lenders such as Wonga and the pharisees, and the oh-so British obsession with disposable barbecues and gazebos, Baby Jesus has had to play second fiddle to our whims in recent times, in part, due to his inability to obtain a quick resurrection.
Had the cheeky little rebel risen up to Heaven within a 24hr period, the whole concept of a 4 day break for politicians, bankers and Her Majesty Clare Balding would be anathema.
Hot & cross bun dough rises with a good knead, not need.
The best way to gain temporary notoriety over the Easter Weekend is to mix a soupcon of peril, with a large dollop of ignorance.
I like to lock my children in a room full of bees.
Others like to ply their offspring with six bags of sugar and a bucket of unethically-sourced cocoa.
However, if you really want to usurp the headlines, and knock Ukraine or Louis Hamilton into a cocked hat, you should always use caged animals and carbon monoxide.
LIGHTLY SAUTE'ED KIDS (WITH SLIGHTLY CHILLED LION).
Take an unserviced car full of children to an over-populated, over-subscribed stately home in Wiltshire.
(I find you can get one adult & two teenagers into a safari park for little more than £94-50.
This leaves a fiver change from four ponies, guaranteeing a fun time for all in the gift shop).
Make sure the caged animals are unhappy.
(British weather and high fencing make great misery if you're running short of ideas).
Put the car nose-to-tail with several thousand other cars, and make sure they simmer gently.
(I prefer extra wide 4x4's for that dash of 'added sense of security').
Add a YouTube recorded telephone conversation from the car behind, some very grainy mobile phone footage, and a large measure of hyperbole.
Flambe' for several minutes.
And Noli Me Tangere!
The perfect ten minute Easter news story, for less than several hundred pounds!
Ingredients:
Parental Desperation
Ennui
One large disposable income.
Lashings of petrol.
Blind faith.
Gift shop merchandise (optional).
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